Beyond the Ground again?

it felt as if I was not here today. I don't like it when people point it out though. Can't they see that I struggle with myself? That it doesn't give me any pleasure to feel the way I do and that I do not understand myself sometimes, that I constanly wonder about myself, that I don't even know who I am. They can't understand, no. They'll never feel my confusion.

There is days when I think I know what I want, but I fail at it. I fail at keeping my word of stopping the bad habits. I always seem to return to where I began.

This time, it all started with the dream I had early "today", though. I keep waiting for this guy who doesn't even care about me!! Why can't I get him off my mind and my bloody dreams? Isn't that something... you'd think I'd get a rest when I lay down and wet my pillow with my spit, but no, it's as if I was awake because I become so fricken' emotional in my dreams and I wake up with the feeling. I wonder if I will ever see the guy I dream about and maybe my perception will change...

I want to change my neurological pattern already because it's affecting me severely. I don't want these cells to multiply rottenly. I want them to be sane; at least a little bit, just enough to make people think that I am all there, but I am never all there. My mind always goes into this deep division in which only I am allowed along with my guy and other people I consider worth having there. Why does it all revolve around a guy for girls? I am sick of being a girl for God's sake! If my thoughts can do this to me, I have to figure out a way to do something to them! I am tired of my screwed up thoughts and feelings being in charge!

I want freedom....