And every now and then you still lay there before going to sleep thinking about the horrible things that went on years ago...and you cry yourself to sleep while seeing those repugnant scenes in your mind and ask yourself why it has happened to you?
You keep thinking that there was never such thing as innocence... you keep wishing for another life, another mind, another family, but it's not possible. You're stuck with this for the rest of your life.
You lower your eyes and stare at the ground in confusion, bewilderment, perturbation. You'll never find the answers, not the exact answers you want....are you the only one who wonders and remembers? are you the only one who is affected by it? what about them?
You are stuck not trusting anybody no matter who tells you "it's ok, you can move on". You know if you have children you'll be watching after them like a hawk..always distrustful. Thinking that they know more than they should. You can't trust anybody. You can't. You have to keep on the watch. You have to protect yourself from them.
You know you'll never be able to enjoy yourself with someone else because ugly, nasty, and painful memories will always creep back into your mind. You know you're life will never be normal. You know those things will be there with you forever, unless a brain transplant was done.... which is impossible. Those thoughts are part of you and are just as present as the air is in your lungs, as blood is in your veins...like it's something vital.... you're marked forever lost in the passages of turbulent thoughts.
2 commentaires:
no trust , sure , look forward anyway:)See the sun?
I am the sun. If you look directly into my soul, you'll get pain in your eyes. Nobody can ever see me completely.
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