She still thinks she is not pretty enough... The light will not shine for her, there will always be someone who deserves it the best.
Lately, she has been wondering if all the nice things she has will eventually disappear, and she fears that.
The fear of her loved one leaving her and not coming back. The fear of not having an offspring.
The fear of having disappointed so many...God.
The fear of punishment...
the fear of failure...
The fear of being too ugly...too possessive... She fears all of that and more, but she forgets what days she's supposed to fear what. Sometimes she feels the light, the warmth against her skin, her heart, but there is other times when she is very insecure, in the dark, just longing for love. She doesn't know how to ask for it, for love, warmth. She thinks she should not be asking for this, but she also understands people do not read minds.
Mainly, she doesn't want to be a beggar.
She cannot know where her life is going, nor does she know how long it is going to last. She doesn't know if there is going to be anything painful.
Her goals, her career, her partner...all a mistery. A totally different life, she realizes, has introduced itself into, what used to be her lonely and misty days...
There's still days when the shadows of her past come hunting for her, asking her to come back, asking for explanations, pleading a return.
She thinks she will not go back, but will she?
2 commentaires:
I start wondering why you are living apart from your family (and also your boy-friend, right?!), out there in Longmont.
I still live with my boyfriend. I wonder if one of these days he's just going to tire out of me and leave me... I am dumb with my stupid thought process and people leaving me. It's like I never grow up.
Anyway, I moved away from home because I was by far more miserable there than here. I had to give up my mother, my brothers and sisters because my father made my life, well, miserable.
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