Going down the drain...

Dying is part of the cycle of life, I understand that. It's another thing to be going through it though. I also know that since the minute that we are conceived we start to die, but it's another thing to be feeling pain while at it. I have to admit I hate it and I almost hate others for no reason...

there is something I have to remember though, my grandma. Today I am sick. Yeah, big deal. I keep on remembering how brave she was for more than a decade. I mean, I don't think I ever remember her not being sick. Here I am these days, though, complaining about every single pain in my body. I can begin to imagine what it was that my grandma, along with so many other people who are suffering from heavy illnesses.

My grandma, she was diagnosed with breast cancer as time went by. That was not her problem to begin with, though. That was diagnosed WITH TIME. Anyway, I guess what I am trying to get at is that never did I saw that woman complain to others about her pain. I mean, the last time I saw her, I remember clearly, as we were approaching the house. The memory is still very fresh in my mind and so are the times when we said good-bye every time we had to come back to the states. This time, though, I kinda knew it was going to be the last time I said good-bye and there wasn't going to be no coming back. I cleary remember as I entered her room along with my parents and all. As soon as I saw her I knew she was going to die. Do you know what it feels like to look at a person you love and know that he or she is going to die? it's not a very good feeling, I can tell you that. You want to know what was worse? The worst part was that I knew that everyone in that room that night knew that she was going to die, including herself. We all pretended like everything was allright though even though my heart felt like it was sitting on my throat and my tears were about to spurt out. The only reason why I didn't cry was because I knew that as soon as I did she was going to know she was going to die (as if she didn't know already).

I have to admit she had deteriorated immensly. She could barely stay on her feet for long and if she did she shook all the time. Her hair had grown back thouth and I thought it looked pretty. Anyway, I had never seen my grandma cry in my entire life until that one time. I remember she was telling me about how they had removed her breast. She said they hadn't even used anestesia on her. That she yelled and pleaded through out, but it didn't matter to the bastards. Yeah, doctors can be bastards at times and maybe one of the reasons why I wouldn't want to become one. I'm afraid I might turn into one of them. It made me angry, I have to admit. My grandma was not their experiment, but I knew they took her as that. Yeah... that's the first and the last time I saw her cry.

What kills me is that even when I knew she was dying and that I wouldn't see her again, I neither spent ENOUGH time with her nor did I tell her how much I loved her. For some stupid reason, we don't have that in our family. It's like you are always so freakin' uncomfortable letting people know how you feel about them. I mean, romantic relationships is one thing, but family relationships are a whole different deal. You have to tell them that you love them because you can't ever be 100% they know it based on your actions. Although, I do believe that actions count more than words. Well, I guess I didn't want to be around my grandma much because I knew she was going to die. You can't just hang around a person who you know and she knows they are going to die. You feel like you are lying to them or something or if you start crying they might think that you feel sorry for them, but it's not that....not at all. You just want them to be alive and well once again.

That time when we were ready to come back home for school, I said my good-bye. This I don't remember clearly, but I know that my heart was once again stuck in my throat. It sucks when you have your heart there, I have to let you know. It doesn't feel to marvelous. I do remember that as we were driving our way back, I just laid down in the back of the car and quietly cried myself to sleep. That was after I stared back at the town I was abandoning my grandma at. yeah, I felt like I was leaving her all by herself even though my mom had stayed (I know she also knew she wasn't going to be with us for very long, but no one spoke about it). It not like me staying was going to make her healty again and neither was my staring back and crying was going to help her any. I still felt like doing it though and so I did.

Not even a month had gone by when I learned she had died. I was shocked. I don't know why I was feeling that way since I already knew that she was not well. Once again that night I cried myself to sleep. I don't think there has been many times when I have cried as loud and shook as much. I don't like it very much, but it's the only way that I get it all out. Yeah, the truth is that we cry when people die, but I think it's only to make ourselves feel better and maybe because you are so full of regretts all of a sudden. It makes you sad and angry and puts you on a wishing mode. She was a great woman, my grandma. Maybe some other time I can write about my father's mom, my other grandma. She was also a very nice woman. The nice women in my life always seem to die...

Anyway, remembering about this makes me feel better and stronger. I know that I am sick and that I feel pain, but I won't let it get me down. I just want to live longer and at least do something, but I am just so afraid that maybe I'll die before I even get out of this room. I, sometimes, don't even want to go to sleep at night because I feel like if I do, I'll die. I can't help to notice that it sounds somewhat childish, but it's what I feel. I don't like to sleep at night and if I do I feel like a light on my save me...anyway, my cpu is dying as we speak. It's going black on me. I need to post this before it's too late....

I don't want it to be late. I don't want to be late in life. I would like to live it, but I always feel so sickenly blue. It drives me crazy....