Great picture..
Maybe if
I was like her
people would love me more.
Maybe if
I was like her
I would like myself better.
Maybe If
I was like her
There'd be less pain for me.
Maybe if
I was like her
the guy I like would like me back
Maybe...
jeudi, décembre 30, 2004
lundi, décembre 27, 2004
Reflection
I love this one eye.
When She was good by Norma Fox Mazer
"Amazing--- even though Mother had died the winter before while I slePt like a pig, never knowing she was leaving me forever. Amazing --even though Father sat on the couch night after night withougt speaking, his long bony head held between his hands. Amazing--even though Pamela said daily how she hated my sad stupid face, and did I know that I looked like a piece of old green crap"
...sad. It about kills me.
samedi, décembre 25, 2004
Yupi
Yo no entiendo. Es machismo. Tiene que ser machismo porque, que tiene de malo que una mujer se corte el pelo corto? Nada.
Yo creo ser dueña de mis pelos y puedo hacer con ellos lo que se me venga en gana. Asi sea ponerme una fogata o un nido de pajaros en medio de la cabeza. Que mas da?
Que se vayan al demonio todos aquellos que digan que la mujer no puede tener el pelo corto tal como un hombre.
Tener el pelo corto da libertad! Ademas de que un cambio de look no le va mal a nadie, pero no, todos tienen que arruinarlo preguntando que porque te lo cortas, que que fue lo que te hizo tomar la decicion.
CARAJO! si te pego la loquera o la depresion y te lo quisiste cortar, que mas da? Soy dueña de cada uno de mis cabellos, yo no veo a nadie mas cargandolos en la macetota...
No, si por eso no me caso. Ya me veria yo con un viejazo machista diciendome que le tengo que pedir permiso para cortarme el pelo..esta hasta la punta...
¿Porque permitir que se metan hasta con el pelo de una? NO, es que estan LOCAS de remate. Les falta algo en el cerebro porque eso no es pensar correctamente.
Si, esta decidido, jamas me casare...no que corajes y que flojera andarle pidiendo permiso al hombre hasta para ir a cagar!!! No, que va, al diablo con ellos!!
Yo creo ser dueña de mis pelos y puedo hacer con ellos lo que se me venga en gana. Asi sea ponerme una fogata o un nido de pajaros en medio de la cabeza. Que mas da?
Que se vayan al demonio todos aquellos que digan que la mujer no puede tener el pelo corto tal como un hombre.
Tener el pelo corto da libertad! Ademas de que un cambio de look no le va mal a nadie, pero no, todos tienen que arruinarlo preguntando que porque te lo cortas, que que fue lo que te hizo tomar la decicion.
CARAJO! si te pego la loquera o la depresion y te lo quisiste cortar, que mas da? Soy dueña de cada uno de mis cabellos, yo no veo a nadie mas cargandolos en la macetota...
No, si por eso no me caso. Ya me veria yo con un viejazo machista diciendome que le tengo que pedir permiso para cortarme el pelo..esta hasta la punta...
¿Porque permitir que se metan hasta con el pelo de una? NO, es que estan LOCAS de remate. Les falta algo en el cerebro porque eso no es pensar correctamente.
Si, esta decidido, jamas me casare...no que corajes y que flojera andarle pidiendo permiso al hombre hasta para ir a cagar!!! No, que va, al diablo con ellos!!
OhOhOh
I am here singing...y aventando de rayos a todos aquellos que no les parezca que una mujer se corte el pelo corto!!!!
vendredi, décembre 24, 2004
De humanos
Este hombre greniudo, peludo, esta guapisimo...
Se miran , se presienten , se desean,
se acarician, se besan , se desnudan,
se respiran, se acuestan, se olfatean,
se penetran, se chupan, se demudan,
se adormecen, despiertan, se iluminan,
se codician, se palpan, se fascinan,
se mastican, se gustan, se babean,
se confunden, se acoplan, se disgregan,
se aletargan, fallecen, se reintegran,
se distienden, se enancan, se menean,
se retuercen, se estiran, se caldean,
se estrangulan, aprietan, se estremecen,
se tantean, se juntan, desfallecen,
se se repelen, se enervan, se apetecen,
se acometen, se enalzan, se entrechocan,
se agazapan, se apresan, se dislocan,
se perforan, se incrustan, se acribillan,
se remachan, se injertan, se atornillan,
se desmayan, reviven, resplandecen,
se contemplan, se inflaman, se enloquecen,
se derriten, se sueldan, se calcinan,
se desgarran, se muerden,
se asesinan,resucitan, se buscan,
se refriegan, se rehúyen, se evaden y se entragan.
Oliverio Girondo(Espantapájaros-1930)
lundi, décembre 20, 2004
Behind Christmas
::The beginning of who knows what::
Many people believe that celebrating a lot of the holidays they celebrate today is Christian. Reality is that most of what they celebrate has nothing to do with christianism. It certainly violates the principles, laws, and wishes of God.
Of course, many people are ignorant to this, but after you read this, than you're not going to be anymore. Yes, sometimes we are better off not knowing because life could be easier. Well, not really because both parts have their
advantages and disadvantages. In reality we choose whatever we think it's good for ourselves and we can also thank God for giving us that opportunity or privilege.
Christmas is a holiday shared and celebrated by many religions. It is a day that has an effect on the entire world. Too many people, it is a favorite time of the year involving gift giving, parties and feasting. Christmas is a holiday that unifies almost all of professing Christendom. The spirit of Christmas causes people to decorate their homes and churches, cut down trees and bring them into their homes, decking them with silver and gold. In the light of that tree, families make merry and give gifts one to another.
When the sun goes down on December 24th, and darkness covers the land, families and churches prepare for participation in customs such as burning the yule log, singing around the decorated tree, kissing under the mistletoe and holly, and attending a late night service or midnight mass.
What is the meaning of Christmas? Where did the customs and traditions originate?
You, as a Christian, would want to worship the Lord in Spirit and in truth, discerning good from evil. The truth is that all of the customs of Christmas pre-date the birth of Jesus Christ, and a study of this would reveal that Christmas in our day is a collection of traditions and practices taken from many cultures and nations.
The date of December 25th comes from Rome and was a celebration of the Italic god, Saturn, and the rebirth of the sun god. This was done long before the birth of Jesus. It was noted by the pre-Christian Romans and other pagans, that daylight began to increase after December 22nd, when they assumed that the sun god died.
These ancients believed that the sun god rose from the dead three days later as the new-born and venerable sun. Thus, they figured that to be the reason for increasing daylight. This was a cause for much wild excitement and celebration. Gift giving and merriment filled the temples of ancient Rome, as sacred priests of Saturn, called dendrophori, carried wreaths of evergreen boughs in procession.
In Germany, the evergreen tree was used in worship and celebration of the yule god, also in observance of the resurrected sun god. The evergreen tree was a symbol of the essence of life and was regarded as a phallic symbol in fertility worship. Witches and other pagans regarded the red holly as a symbol of the menstrual blood of the queen of heaven, also known as Diana.
The holly wood was used by witches to make wands.
The white berries of mistletoe were believed by pagans to represent droplets of the semen of the sun god. Both holly and mistletoe were hung in doorways of temples and homes to invoke powers of fertility in those who stood beneath and kissed, causing the spirits of the god and goddess to enter them. These customs transcended the borders of Rome and Germany to the far reaches of the known world.
The question now arises: How did all of these customs find their way into contemporary Christianity, ranging from Catholicism to Protestantism to fundamentalist churches?
The word "Christmas"itself reveals who married paganism to Christianity.
The word "Christmas" is a combination of the words "Christ" and "Mass.
The word "Mass" means death and was coined originally by the Roman Catholic Church, and belongs exclusively to the church of Rome.
The ritual of the Mass involves the death of Christ, and the distribution of the "Host", a word taken from the Latin word "hostiall" meaning victim!
In short, Christmas is strictly a Roman Catholic word.
A simple study of the tactics of the Romish Church reveals that in every case, the church absorbed the customs, traditions and general paganism of every tribe, culture and nation in their efforts to increase the number of people under their control.
In short, the Romish church told all of these pagan cultures, "Bring your gods, goddesses, rituals and rites, and we will assign Christian sounding titles and names to them.
When Martin Luther started the reformation on October 31st, 1517, and other reformers followed his lead, all of them took with them the paganism that was so firmly imbedded in Rome.
These reformers left Christmas intact.
In England, as the authorized Bible became available to the common people by the decree of King James the II in 1611, people began to discover the pagan roots of Christmas, which are clearly revealed in Scripture.
The Puritans in England, and later in Massachusetts Colony, outlawed this holiday as witchcraft.
Near the end of the nineteenth century, when other Bible versions began to appear, there was a revival of the celebration of Christmas.
We are now seeing ever-increasing celebrating of Christmas or Yule, its true name, as we draw closer to the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ!
In both witchcraft circles and contemporary Christian churches, the same things are going on.
As the Bible clearly states in Jeremiah 10:2-4, "Thus saith the Lord, learn not the way of the heathen; and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven. For the heathen are dismayed at them. For the customs of the people are vain. For one cutteth a tree out of the forest. The work of the hands of the workman with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold. They fasten it with nails and with hammers that it move not."
So, what is wrong with Christmas?
1. To say that Jesus was born on December 25th is a lie! The true date is sometime in September according to the Scriptures.
2. Trees, wreaths, holly, mistletoe and the like are strictly forbidden as pagan and heathen! To say that these are Christian or that they can be made Christian is a lie!
3. The Lord never spoke of commemorating his birth but rather commanded us to remember the sacrifice of His suffering and death, which purchased our salvation.
Think about it! Can we worship and honor God by involving ourselves with customs and traditions, which God Himself forbade as idolatry? Can we convince God to somehow "Christianize" these customs and the whole pretense and lie of Christmas, so we can enjoy ourselves? Can we obey through disobedience?
vendredi, décembre 17, 2004
Hermana
I wish I was as pure as this flower...
Querida Maria,
Ya que no sientes hablar con nadie, decidi escribirte.
Solo queria decirte que no es facil verte asi. Y como tal vez te hayas dado cuenta tampoco lo es para mi mamá. Estoy segura que se siente peor estar viviendolo.
En verdad no puedo decir que se por lo que estas pasando,
eso tu me lo has enseñado. Lo cierto es que tal vez entienda mejor que cualquier otra persona. Entiendo tambien que tal vez eso es lo que te falte, la amistad de una amiga. Y se que las circunstancias no te dejan acercar ni a tu mejor amiga, y eso en verdad debe doler.
De lo que si te puedo asegurar, y estoy segura que tu tambien eres conciente de ello, es que al vencerte no sales ganando. talvez parezca que no haya salida, pero Maria ¿no oiste al Sr. Lugo? Que para todo hay salida. Lo que uno tiene que hacer es poner de su parte.
Tener esperanza.
Tal vez lo que nos a atrazado a nosotros es el hecho de que nos dejamos vencer. Nos asusta que se pierda "la paz", eso al menos puedo decir en mi caso. Se que algunos dias pesan mas que otros. En algunos hay deseo de gritar y salir corriendo como loca, sin el importar de nada ni nadie. Creo que esos dias son un gasto de tiempo. y no digas que haz gastado tu vida. pues aun en este "dictatorship" lograste graduarte temprano, una meta tuya que alcanzaste.
Algo que en verdad admiro como tu hermana menor
Tal vez hoy en verdad te sientes mal solo fisicamente. Pero lo emocional se que esta alli. Por eso hoy te escribo para decirte lo mucho que te aprecio y te admiro aun en la situacion que estas.
Pues cualquier otra persona creo que ya hubiera perdido el juicio y su paciencia. Yo se que no puedo saber completamente por lo que estas pasando, pero creo que si puedo darte un consejo, aun como tu hermana menor.
Te aconsejo que busques en ti, y trates de encontrar lo que te haga feliz. Aunque parezca que no existe. Si es que lo encuentras, este deseo, ilucion, idea, pues pontelo como meta, alcanzalo. porque tiene que haber algo aun en ese hoyo en el que pareces haber caido.
yo no me considero la mas valiente de valientes, y se que tal vez en muchas cosas no pueda ayudarte. pero en sentido emocional espero haberlo hecho hoy, con esta carta que no es hipocrecia ni algo poetico, sino palabras que siento hacie mi hermana desde el corazon.
Espero haberte hecho sentir mejor. Disculpa la letra fea, y la mala ortografia, pero creo que en este caso eso es lo de menos. Nos vemos luego. Cuidate y desahogate en Jehova pues es el quien puede ayudarte.
Te quiere,
Erika
Me mata...es la carta mas sincera y de las mejores que he recibido en toda mi vida....
mardi, décembre 14, 2004
EsA TrIsT3 Gu!taRrA
¿Amigos, para que? maldita sea...
Muerete maldita!
eres la que me haces tropezar
eres la que me haces odiar
muerete maldita
eres la que inundas mi ser de falta
tu eres la que me ocaciona trizteza
muerete!
te odio con todos los poros de mi ser
te maldigo con cada palabra existente
y muerete!
lundi, décembre 13, 2004
Soft
Tengo ganas de ti
vieras cuantas ganas tengo
de volver contigo
vieras cuantas noches paso sin haber dormido
doy de vueltas y vueltas y vueltas
y no me acomodo
no me puedo quitar de la mente que tu eres mi todo
vieras cuantas ganas tengo de tenerte cerca
dentro de cuatro paredes que no tengan puerta
de amarrarte fuerte con mis brazos pegada a tu aliento
hasta hacerte sentir lo que siento por fuera y por dentro
ay amor amor amor amor amor amor mio mio mio mio
si supieras cuantas ganas tengo ya estarias conmigo
vieras cuantas ganas tengo de morder tu boca!!!!!!
siento que nomas te miro y me estorba la ropa
me imagino que me ve tu adentro de tu pensamiento
y me lleno
y te lleno de ganas de las que yo siento
ay amoramor amor amor amor amor amor mio mio mio mio
si supieras cuantas ganas tengo ya estarias conmigo
vieras cuantas ganas tengode volver contigo
Wow, is this a sensual song or what?
Written on a napkin
I'd like to be inside my mom again...
I'm still here
I'm OK.
I'm sane.
I'm protected.
I need to relax, relax, relax, relax.
Breath, breath, breath deeply.
You're alive. I'm awake. I have control. I can keep awake. I'll be fine. I'm normal. I have Jehovah with me. He protects me from anything and anyone; with Him, I am stronger. I have protection and I have to see the light. I'm fine. I have control because I'm sane. I should think clearly. I am the only one who can control my mind the most. I need to be strong. I need to stay alive and do what I should do, serve Jehovah. He is here for me now. I should be there for Him always.
I don't need to worry because it's gonna be daylight. I'll just pray to Jehovah and he will come to rescue me. He's the most powerful in this universe and I have to trust Him. I should love him with all my might just as He loves us back. He will help me get through this. Stary strong. Stay in control. I'm not crazy. I'll be fine. Think of my family. They need me too just as I need them. I have a couple of friends I need to be nice about all situations between us. It's OK. Sometimes there is no need to be so sensitive.
I want to be a nurse and take care of people. I want to make it better for them. I don't wanna be funny about it. I want it to be daylight. I just have a few more hours to go. I'll be fine. I am still alive and I'm sane no matter what anyone, including myself, says.
Tomorrow it will be a different day. I will see people. I can sleep during the day. I can get more confidence. I'll get better. This is only some period of time in my life. I have a future. Stop imagining things. You need some rest.
My arm hurts and I want to throw up, but thats OK. I can handle it. I can handle my stomach too. I can handle anything if If I really want to. It was just a dream and now I'm here and tomorrow I'll be here too.
Shaky all over
fainting...
sleepy...
nauseous...
nauseous...
The Night terrors...I die. They take me away. They want me dead! I don't let them.
want freedom
Sometimes I feel behind the wire. I am a prisoner within myself...because you know what? The worst enemy you could ever have is yourself.
There is more pain in hating yourself than there is on someone else hating you. There is more pain in not knowing how to escape than in escaping and getting killed almost immediately. At least, you know you did it.
I am still behind the wire...I want out. I don't know how. Show me.
There is more pain in hating yourself than there is on someone else hating you. There is more pain in not knowing how to escape than in escaping and getting killed almost immediately. At least, you know you did it.
I am still behind the wire...I want out. I don't know how. Show me.
dimanche, décembre 12, 2004
Usual
My usual look, feeling...just naked
Ah, I have to say I can't complain as much. I am a happy f00, to tell you the truth. (who is you?) Well, this semester is over. Hopefully, I'll get my 12 credit hours because those killed me slightly. I already know I nailed psychology with an "A", which makes me happy because I plan to become a psychiatric nurse.
I have not eaten well, I have not slept well, I've been doing what I was not supposed to, but than I have. It's horrible to have the headache I have right now, but it's hopefully worth it. Oh, I need to celebrate...but I feel so tired lol
Someone give me a hug, a kiss, and a blanket...I'm cold.
vendredi, décembre 10, 2004
Narcissm
Awesome!
It's like from within...
This is how I feel when ever I am fighting myself and it's such a constant battle...it tires me, but I fight and I fight.
Right now, I need to put things in place. The people from my past I need to put in the past. I think that is the way I'd like to deal with it. I don't want to ever go back to the place I was born, I do not want to see who I grew up with ever...I just want to look ahead and keep on going and going. Yet, I can't.
What has been done I will never forget. Today, as a reminder that I'll never get rid of my past called...bad thing I answered the phone call. Well, than again, there was no one else at home. The stupid phone...sometimes it's useless...maybe I should break it like I did the other one...ahh, the angry memories, eh.
jeudi, décembre 02, 2004
"You're Weird Maria"
Outcast. Ignored. Confused. Stressed. Saddened.
Maldita depresion y el dia que la conoci...tan niña. Al diablo con los que me hicieron daño...we were just kids. Forget about it? Never.
Why is it that people look down on others because of their beliefs, the way they look, their personalities? What makes me or you so special? What is it that we have that no one else has? I am still on my never-ending quest of finding the meaning to reality. My reality, what am I talking about? Everyone has a reality, a world, an attitude, their minds are made up, their decisions all revolve about what they have been taught. Do not deny that people do not influence you. Do not deny that you are affected by others, by culture, by religion, by love, by hate, by everything!
Twist, twist, twist...breath taking. Worrying before time, dreaming when it's not time, doubting when there is no time, is there? No, I wish my days were longer. Yeah, I'd like to live forever and torture my brain with knowledge. I'd like to be happy! Everything is not real to me though. People are not real, I am not real, my goals, my past, it all seems unreal. I am having a difficult time accepting who I am because I've never known. What am I made out of?
Painful memories? Wicked or weakened?
I can't let go.
Sexuality, trust, love, hate, doubt, decisions....
Maldita depresion y el dia que la conoci...tan niña. Al diablo con los que me hicieron daño...we were just kids. Forget about it? Never.
Why is it that people look down on others because of their beliefs, the way they look, their personalities? What makes me or you so special? What is it that we have that no one else has? I am still on my never-ending quest of finding the meaning to reality. My reality, what am I talking about? Everyone has a reality, a world, an attitude, their minds are made up, their decisions all revolve about what they have been taught. Do not deny that people do not influence you. Do not deny that you are affected by others, by culture, by religion, by love, by hate, by everything!
Twist, twist, twist...breath taking. Worrying before time, dreaming when it's not time, doubting when there is no time, is there? No, I wish my days were longer. Yeah, I'd like to live forever and torture my brain with knowledge. I'd like to be happy! Everything is not real to me though. People are not real, I am not real, my goals, my past, it all seems unreal. I am having a difficult time accepting who I am because I've never known. What am I made out of?
Painful memories? Wicked or weakened?
I can't let go.
Sexuality, trust, love, hate, doubt, decisions....
samedi, novembre 27, 2004
Overloaded
The same. The ugly. The sad. The miserable.
What type of person am I? Lost between two people or even more...I find myself than, all of a sudden, I lose myself. It's confusing and has not explanation. The joy, the self satisfaction, the good feelings are hiding from me lately. Well, they have always been hard to find and catch.
I feel outcast. Why is it that I never feel part of anything? I don't feel like I belong anywhere. Everything and everyone falls short on me. I remember those sleepless nights and some of them were happy sleepless nights. Oh, I long for them. Than again, were they even real? they were to me. Now, I have lonely sleepless nights, but they are not the same because there is no one to share them with. I have no body. I'll never have anybody! It's not like it worries me, it saddens me instead.
I talk to people, but they look at me like I am from another planet, like I am not saying truth, like I am lying, like I am this goofy child who knows what she's talking about. My goodness! give me some credit, do I look that stupid? Sure, I am 19 years old, but that does not mean I am an idiot in life. Is that hard to admit?
Anyway, all of this crap I am writing just tops off the real issue and that's the unreal guy... I don't even get why girls have to be spending their friken lives waiting for that "guy", the "perfect guy", dreaming about the "guy", having children with the "guy", and it's nothing but a fricken ilusion. ALL in their heads, that guy. NOTHING real. Everything in this world is so unreal to me. None of them seem real....
God, I need love or else, what's going to become of me?
What type of person am I? Lost between two people or even more...I find myself than, all of a sudden, I lose myself. It's confusing and has not explanation. The joy, the self satisfaction, the good feelings are hiding from me lately. Well, they have always been hard to find and catch.
I feel outcast. Why is it that I never feel part of anything? I don't feel like I belong anywhere. Everything and everyone falls short on me. I remember those sleepless nights and some of them were happy sleepless nights. Oh, I long for them. Than again, were they even real? they were to me. Now, I have lonely sleepless nights, but they are not the same because there is no one to share them with. I have no body. I'll never have anybody! It's not like it worries me, it saddens me instead.
I talk to people, but they look at me like I am from another planet, like I am not saying truth, like I am lying, like I am this goofy child who knows what she's talking about. My goodness! give me some credit, do I look that stupid? Sure, I am 19 years old, but that does not mean I am an idiot in life. Is that hard to admit?
Anyway, all of this crap I am writing just tops off the real issue and that's the unreal guy... I don't even get why girls have to be spending their friken lives waiting for that "guy", the "perfect guy", dreaming about the "guy", having children with the "guy", and it's nothing but a fricken ilusion. ALL in their heads, that guy. NOTHING real. Everything in this world is so unreal to me. None of them seem real....
God, I need love or else, what's going to become of me?
mercredi, novembre 24, 2004
Te Esperare
Veo que la vida me sigue sorprendiendo. llegue a pensar que todo habia sido en vano, que confiar en las pocas personas en las que he confiado no tuvo ningun resultado. Ahora no estoy tan segura.
Y si tengo una decision grande que hacer, gigantesca, impactante, y aterradora, solo pido a Dios que me ayude a elejir bien. El amor duele, sigo pensando eso. Es tan dificil renunciar a el....el corazon se me inunda de lagrimas y mis ojos se inundan de amor, pero amor a un amor fantasma. Si, porque no me paga igual y no se si algun dia podra.
mi eterno martirio, el preocuparme decadas antes de tiempo. Antes de que mi muerte llegue, ya yo la he vivido tantas veces y la he sufrido tantas veces que el dia que me llegue de plano, ya ni la sentire tan dolorosa...
Ah, ese Enrique Bunbury....que iremos a hacer con el? tiene canciones muy melancolicas y es lo ultimo que necesito, la melancolia...
"Dejo esta grabacion a falta de algo mejor"...que puede ser mejor que la musica? el amor? el sexo? un dulce? umm...quizas un dulce. yeah, un dulce deshaciendose entre mi boca y la de alguien mas *sigh* eso si es bueno ...ok creo que ya no voy a poder ni concentrarme
dulce, bocas, besos, fuerza apasionada, una suave mordida....sabe a rico, delicioso...
Y si tengo una decision grande que hacer, gigantesca, impactante, y aterradora, solo pido a Dios que me ayude a elejir bien. El amor duele, sigo pensando eso. Es tan dificil renunciar a el....el corazon se me inunda de lagrimas y mis ojos se inundan de amor, pero amor a un amor fantasma. Si, porque no me paga igual y no se si algun dia podra.
mi eterno martirio, el preocuparme decadas antes de tiempo. Antes de que mi muerte llegue, ya yo la he vivido tantas veces y la he sufrido tantas veces que el dia que me llegue de plano, ya ni la sentire tan dolorosa...
Ah, ese Enrique Bunbury....que iremos a hacer con el? tiene canciones muy melancolicas y es lo ultimo que necesito, la melancolia...
"Dejo esta grabacion a falta de algo mejor"...que puede ser mejor que la musica? el amor? el sexo? un dulce? umm...quizas un dulce. yeah, un dulce deshaciendose entre mi boca y la de alguien mas *sigh* eso si es bueno ...ok creo que ya no voy a poder ni concentrarme
dulce, bocas, besos, fuerza apasionada, una suave mordida....sabe a rico, delicioso...
mardi, novembre 09, 2004
feeling Betta....
http://flickr.com/photos/61069789@N00/
there's some pictures...crazy ones. I was just messing with the camera since I got it yesterday. I was, you know, like a little girl with a new toy. I'll get tired of it eventually.
there's some pictures...crazy ones. I was just messing with the camera since I got it yesterday. I was, you know, like a little girl with a new toy. I'll get tired of it eventually.
samedi, novembre 06, 2004
Conversando con "Yo"
---Ya creo que te veo.
Te ves rara, eh.
Ni siquiera pense que eras tu.
Te imagine diferente.
Siempre apagada.
---Y esas ganas de llorar, de donde te llegan?
te miras.... triste...
>> Se fue...
---No importa. Es dificil lo se....
>>Tengo amor para dar...
---Lo se, pero no llores...no se que decirte
>> Siempre me sabe a sal. Todo me termina amargo.
--- Tu aguanta. Algun dia veras tu luz, mi luz. Mira dentro de ti, de mi. No olvides que te quiero.
>> Tengo amor para dar...
--- Te quiero...ven unete a mi que te quiero...
>> tengo amor para dar
>> ¿Y donde esta? ¿En donde estan?
--- no te preocupes que yo soy tu, y es suficiente.
>> Lo es?
--- No temas nada. Todo se fue con el huracan...
>> Pero yo ... yo... yo tenia amor para dar y... se fueron todos. ¿Donde estan?
--- Shh.... no temas
Te ves rara, eh.
Ni siquiera pense que eras tu.
Te imagine diferente.
Siempre apagada.
---Y esas ganas de llorar, de donde te llegan?
te miras.... triste...
>> Se fue...
---No importa. Es dificil lo se....
>>Tengo amor para dar...
---Lo se, pero no llores...no se que decirte
>> Siempre me sabe a sal. Todo me termina amargo.
--- Tu aguanta. Algun dia veras tu luz, mi luz. Mira dentro de ti, de mi. No olvides que te quiero.
>> Tengo amor para dar...
--- Te quiero...ven unete a mi que te quiero...
>> tengo amor para dar
>> ¿Y donde esta? ¿En donde estan?
--- no te preocupes que yo soy tu, y es suficiente.
>> Lo es?
--- No temas nada. Todo se fue con el huracan...
>> Pero yo ... yo... yo tenia amor para dar y... se fueron todos. ¿Donde estan?
--- Shh.... no temas
Despues de la ilusion viene la realizacion de la verdad
¿y porque siempre piensas que soy diferente a ti?
Me haces ver como poca cosa, lo soy?
Ay, la melancolia y el encierro de palabras me van a ahogar.
Si extrañar es un sentimiento que mata,
Entonces estoy muerta.
Si todo tiene sentido y yo no lo capto
entonces estoy perdida
Si tu no me quieres--- Ay! si tu no me quieres...
Entonces nada tiene caso
¿Y porque siempre me haces menos?
No me recuerdas--- yo te recuerdo
Tus canciones, tus palabras, tu esencia.
¿Y si diera marcha atras, podria cambiarlo todo?
Tan solo quiero...dejar de quererte.
Me haces ver como poca cosa, lo soy?
Ay, la melancolia y el encierro de palabras me van a ahogar.
Si extrañar es un sentimiento que mata,
Entonces estoy muerta.
Si todo tiene sentido y yo no lo capto
entonces estoy perdida
Si tu no me quieres--- Ay! si tu no me quieres...
Entonces nada tiene caso
¿Y porque siempre me haces menos?
No me recuerdas--- yo te recuerdo
Tus canciones, tus palabras, tu esencia.
¿Y si diera marcha atras, podria cambiarlo todo?
Tan solo quiero...dejar de quererte.
jeudi, novembre 04, 2004
Soñar de vez en cuando
Me gusta la forma de escribir de este escritor(a). Tiene sentido del humor y es realista. Simplemente se entretiene uno leyendo lo que escribe, lo cual es muy agradable tanto como para el lector como para el autor he he =D Soñar de vez en cuando
mardi, novembre 02, 2004
So far, so g00d
Well,
So far in Colorado things have been good. At first it felt like I was not going to make it. School seemed like it was not going to happen because I didn't have $$, than I thought I could take internet classes, but the computer couldn't get fixed, and everything seemed wrong. AHH! but thanx to the brothers and sisters who helped me everything turned out allright whew!
What I do find to be a challenge is guys out in the street. AGG, they are so animal like. If I am walking down the street, more than one will honk at me, turn around (I hope their neck twists and they hurt for days!), they even offer me rides! I thought it was the way I dressed, but I soon came to realize that it wasnt' because I've never dressed provocative. One time, and it's the one time that left me traumatized, a man followed me for about 4 blocks. He wouldn't stop insisting about giving me a ride...that was the scariest experience a guy has ever given me. Ever since that one time, I do not feel comfortable walking out in the streets. Sometimes I have to walk from work, but I think my heart gets a good exercise since it goes a million beats a minute..especially now that it gets dark sooner. Why are guys that way?
Anyway, I don't understand any thing that has to do with them for the most part.
So far in Colorado things have been good. At first it felt like I was not going to make it. School seemed like it was not going to happen because I didn't have $$, than I thought I could take internet classes, but the computer couldn't get fixed, and everything seemed wrong. AHH! but thanx to the brothers and sisters who helped me everything turned out allright whew!
What I do find to be a challenge is guys out in the street. AGG, they are so animal like. If I am walking down the street, more than one will honk at me, turn around (I hope their neck twists and they hurt for days!), they even offer me rides! I thought it was the way I dressed, but I soon came to realize that it wasnt' because I've never dressed provocative. One time, and it's the one time that left me traumatized, a man followed me for about 4 blocks. He wouldn't stop insisting about giving me a ride...that was the scariest experience a guy has ever given me. Ever since that one time, I do not feel comfortable walking out in the streets. Sometimes I have to walk from work, but I think my heart gets a good exercise since it goes a million beats a minute..especially now that it gets dark sooner. Why are guys that way?
Anyway, I don't understand any thing that has to do with them for the most part.
mercredi, octobre 27, 2004
Missing
When you don't feel fine
I don't feel fine
When you feel great
I feel great
When I don't feel fine
You feel great
When I feel great
You're not around
http://theinevitable.blogspot.com/
I don't feel fine
When you feel great
I feel great
When I don't feel fine
You feel great
When I feel great
You're not around
http://theinevitable.blogspot.com/
Perplexed
I have been busy, my friends. I've been reading about disgusting human beings who oppress others. I have gotten sick to my stomach just reading about others committing such atrocities. I had read about WWII and I was amazed by what Hitler did to the Jews, the Gypsies, Jehovah's Witnesses, and just anybody who defied his government, including those of German descent. You'd think he was a psychopath and yeah, maybe he was that, but we never think about other people lowering themselves to the same level such as the early colonist of the United States did.
If you have not read about slavery, if you have not read about the Witch Trials, and if you have not read about the Trail of Tears, than you will not disagree with me. I encourage you to do so because it will open up your eyes to the wicked system we live in. American's for long have been teaching at schools the inhumanity of Hitler and many people all over the world condemned him, but do we ever look at what our own country has done to the poor, the minority, and just the deviant people? No, most people do not know because it's not things that their own country wants to teach them and I hope that they at least feel some shame for what their descendents have done in the past. I hope they do know the meaning of shame itself, for God's sake!
And so I was reading my history book; it dealt with the way the early colonists of America swept with the Cherokee nation (No wonder they even have a song about them!). The Cherokee people were learning "white men" behavior, meaning that they were learning their alphabet, had schools, etc. in order to fit in. Did Andrew Jackson see this? Of course he did, only he still decided he was to move them West. He told them they were being sent to a "country of tall trees, many water courses, rich lands and high grass abounding in games of all kinds," when in reality it was nothing but "barren desert"! They were made to walk barefoot, women had to carry their children, and only the sick were to go in a wagon. Many died, of course. When the Natives did die, the white men would go and rob them. Not content with the fact that they were robbing their land, they also robed from them when they were dead. Isn't that sick behavior? What greed does to you is just remarkably grotesque.
Like it says here on this book written by Private John G. Burnett it was "the most brutal order in the history of American warfare". Having read this, do you have any doubt about the tyrany of the early colonist of the United States? Now all they have left, as if in a mocking way, is the names of the Indian people imprinted in street signs.
I sometimes feel ashamed of being human, for realz. There is no doubt in my mind that we need help from above if we're to survive.
If you have not read about slavery, if you have not read about the Witch Trials, and if you have not read about the Trail of Tears, than you will not disagree with me. I encourage you to do so because it will open up your eyes to the wicked system we live in. American's for long have been teaching at schools the inhumanity of Hitler and many people all over the world condemned him, but do we ever look at what our own country has done to the poor, the minority, and just the deviant people? No, most people do not know because it's not things that their own country wants to teach them and I hope that they at least feel some shame for what their descendents have done in the past. I hope they do know the meaning of shame itself, for God's sake!
And so I was reading my history book; it dealt with the way the early colonists of America swept with the Cherokee nation (No wonder they even have a song about them!). The Cherokee people were learning "white men" behavior, meaning that they were learning their alphabet, had schools, etc. in order to fit in. Did Andrew Jackson see this? Of course he did, only he still decided he was to move them West. He told them they were being sent to a "country of tall trees, many water courses, rich lands and high grass abounding in games of all kinds," when in reality it was nothing but "barren desert"! They were made to walk barefoot, women had to carry their children, and only the sick were to go in a wagon. Many died, of course. When the Natives did die, the white men would go and rob them. Not content with the fact that they were robbing their land, they also robed from them when they were dead. Isn't that sick behavior? What greed does to you is just remarkably grotesque.
Like it says here on this book written by Private John G. Burnett it was "the most brutal order in the history of American warfare". Having read this, do you have any doubt about the tyrany of the early colonist of the United States? Now all they have left, as if in a mocking way, is the names of the Indian people imprinted in street signs.
I sometimes feel ashamed of being human, for realz. There is no doubt in my mind that we need help from above if we're to survive.
jeudi, octobre 21, 2004
Beyond the Ground again?
it felt as if I was not here today. I don't like it when people point it out though. Can't they see that I struggle with myself? That it doesn't give me any pleasure to feel the way I do and that I do not understand myself sometimes, that I constanly wonder about myself, that I don't even know who I am. They can't understand, no. They'll never feel my confusion.
There is days when I think I know what I want, but I fail at it. I fail at keeping my word of stopping the bad habits. I always seem to return to where I began.
This time, it all started with the dream I had early "today", though. I keep waiting for this guy who doesn't even care about me!! Why can't I get him off my mind and my bloody dreams? Isn't that something... you'd think I'd get a rest when I lay down and wet my pillow with my spit, but no, it's as if I was awake because I become so fricken' emotional in my dreams and I wake up with the feeling. I wonder if I will ever see the guy I dream about and maybe my perception will change...
I want to change my neurological pattern already because it's affecting me severely. I don't want these cells to multiply rottenly. I want them to be sane; at least a little bit, just enough to make people think that I am all there, but I am never all there. My mind always goes into this deep division in which only I am allowed along with my guy and other people I consider worth having there. Why does it all revolve around a guy for girls? I am sick of being a girl for God's sake! If my thoughts can do this to me, I have to figure out a way to do something to them! I am tired of my screwed up thoughts and feelings being in charge!
I want freedom....
There is days when I think I know what I want, but I fail at it. I fail at keeping my word of stopping the bad habits. I always seem to return to where I began.
This time, it all started with the dream I had early "today", though. I keep waiting for this guy who doesn't even care about me!! Why can't I get him off my mind and my bloody dreams? Isn't that something... you'd think I'd get a rest when I lay down and wet my pillow with my spit, but no, it's as if I was awake because I become so fricken' emotional in my dreams and I wake up with the feeling. I wonder if I will ever see the guy I dream about and maybe my perception will change...
I want to change my neurological pattern already because it's affecting me severely. I don't want these cells to multiply rottenly. I want them to be sane; at least a little bit, just enough to make people think that I am all there, but I am never all there. My mind always goes into this deep division in which only I am allowed along with my guy and other people I consider worth having there. Why does it all revolve around a guy for girls? I am sick of being a girl for God's sake! If my thoughts can do this to me, I have to figure out a way to do something to them! I am tired of my screwed up thoughts and feelings being in charge!
I want freedom....
lundi, octobre 18, 2004
day dreaming
Today has been one of those days in which you go from one mood to the other. There is no one out there anymore who can put up with what I say, and so I am glad I can write it here. I always wonder if anyone I know will ever see this site. I hope not because some of the crap I write on here is really personal; people would back stab me with it.
I cannot even remember what I did yesterday, but I do remember getting up this morning at 11:00 a.m. with the news that some of my plans were being canceled. Anyway, that's not what's important because I still went to my meeting and paid attention. I came home and all of a sudden I felt the urge to turn on my computer. I thought someone I've hoped to see for so long would be there; just anybody. As always, the people who I wish to see are never there.... it made me feel so sad. I thought about how sometimes I feel so tired of acting like a dog in the way that I am always just waiting for my master to give me some food, some love. It sounds and feels pretty pathetic.
I don't know why, but it always seems like I am the one who is taking care of the relationships I have with people. I am always the one e-mailing, IMing, calling, writting, trying and trying. It makes me feel so tired! I don't even get why I should be loyal to someone or love someone when I know very well that they don't love me nor are they going to be loyal to me. It's just a fact. I know it. So, it seems as a waste of time, as if I was holding my life, my heart for someone who doesn't even think about me once in one whole day. I know it, I just know it; that's the way it is with me. No one truly cares about me; like in the way a man cares for a woman, not that I am a woman, but you get the point. I am a girl, a stupid one in the heart.
Anyway, so after going shopping, I am back home and I am still day dreaming about a guy lol. I mean, can you believe it? I know he doesn't care, I know he doesn't think about me or feels the same as I do, YET I SPEND my time day dreaming about him....and than it's like my body changed. AHHH! I have to keep control over myself and my mind! I don't need to be thinking about the things I do. Yeah, I need to concentrate on myself, my spirituality, my career, and over all, my life. No guys! Sometimes I just wish for a hug though...not wet kisses, not sexual pleasure...just the kind of hug you need when you're feeling down or it's just that you really need to feel another human being on you. I have those urges. I have them a lot and it was not like that before...I don't know what happened. How has it come to be that now I feel I need someone that I need to get close to physically. I don't know. How is it that it pains me that I don't have anyone to be that close to? I don't know. All I know is that all of that I have to give up because I am not the kind of girl who gets married.
I am not the kind of girl who could make anyone happy... I am the kind of girl who will never know what it feels like to be with a real man, but who would like to succeed in life in other professional ways, if you'd like to call it that. I just hope I don't regrett my decision...I am just afraid to get married and find out that I cannot be with that man, that I don't love him, or even more scary, that he won't love me for long!!! Ah, it's almost making me break into tears. I just can't be with anybody, yet I long for somebody; it's so strange and hard to control.
I cannot even remember what I did yesterday, but I do remember getting up this morning at 11:00 a.m. with the news that some of my plans were being canceled. Anyway, that's not what's important because I still went to my meeting and paid attention. I came home and all of a sudden I felt the urge to turn on my computer. I thought someone I've hoped to see for so long would be there; just anybody. As always, the people who I wish to see are never there.... it made me feel so sad. I thought about how sometimes I feel so tired of acting like a dog in the way that I am always just waiting for my master to give me some food, some love. It sounds and feels pretty pathetic.
I don't know why, but it always seems like I am the one who is taking care of the relationships I have with people. I am always the one e-mailing, IMing, calling, writting, trying and trying. It makes me feel so tired! I don't even get why I should be loyal to someone or love someone when I know very well that they don't love me nor are they going to be loyal to me. It's just a fact. I know it. So, it seems as a waste of time, as if I was holding my life, my heart for someone who doesn't even think about me once in one whole day. I know it, I just know it; that's the way it is with me. No one truly cares about me; like in the way a man cares for a woman, not that I am a woman, but you get the point. I am a girl, a stupid one in the heart.
Anyway, so after going shopping, I am back home and I am still day dreaming about a guy lol. I mean, can you believe it? I know he doesn't care, I know he doesn't think about me or feels the same as I do, YET I SPEND my time day dreaming about him....and than it's like my body changed. AHHH! I have to keep control over myself and my mind! I don't need to be thinking about the things I do. Yeah, I need to concentrate on myself, my spirituality, my career, and over all, my life. No guys! Sometimes I just wish for a hug though...not wet kisses, not sexual pleasure...just the kind of hug you need when you're feeling down or it's just that you really need to feel another human being on you. I have those urges. I have them a lot and it was not like that before...I don't know what happened. How has it come to be that now I feel I need someone that I need to get close to physically. I don't know. How is it that it pains me that I don't have anyone to be that close to? I don't know. All I know is that all of that I have to give up because I am not the kind of girl who gets married.
I am not the kind of girl who could make anyone happy... I am the kind of girl who will never know what it feels like to be with a real man, but who would like to succeed in life in other professional ways, if you'd like to call it that. I just hope I don't regrett my decision...I am just afraid to get married and find out that I cannot be with that man, that I don't love him, or even more scary, that he won't love me for long!!! Ah, it's almost making me break into tears. I just can't be with anybody, yet I long for somebody; it's so strange and hard to control.
jeudi, octobre 14, 2004
Mudanzas; this is what I need!
Hoy voy a cambiar Revisar bien mis maletas Y sacar mis sentimientos Y resentimientos todos Hacer limpieza al armario Borrar rencores de antaño Y angustias que hubo en mi mente Para no sufrir por cosas tan pequeñitas Dejar de ser niña... Para ser mujer.
Hoy voy a cambiar Sacar a luz mi coraje Entregarme a lo que creo Y ser siempre yo sin miedo Bailar y cantar por habito Y ver claro en vez de oscuro Desarraigar mis secretos Dejar de vivir, si no es por vivir la vida Que grita dentro de mi... Mi libertad
Hoy voy a cambiar Salir dentro de mi no ser solo corazon Dejar y parar fracasos Soltar los brazos y libertad que oprime mi razon Volar libre con todos mis defectos, Para poder rescatar mis derechos Y no cobrarle a la vida caminos y decisiones Hoy quiero y debo cambiar Dividirle al tiempo y sumarle al viento Todas las cosa que un dia soñe conquistar
Porque soy mujer como cualquiera Con dudas y soluciones, Con defectos y virtudes Con amor y desamor Suave como gaviota Pero felina como una leona Tranquila y pacificadora Pero al mismo tiempo irreverente y revolucionaria Feliz e infeliz Realista y soñadora Sumisa por condicion independiente por opinion Porque soy mujer, Con todas las incoherencias que nacen en mi Fuerte, sexo debil
Hoy voy a cambiar Revisar bien mis maletas Y sacar mis sentimientos Y resentimientos todos Hacer limpieza al armario Borrar rencores de antaño Y angustias que hubo en mi mente Para no sufrir por cosas tan pequeñitas Dejar de ser niña... Para ser mujer.
Hoy voy a cambiar Sacar a luz mi coraje Entregarme a lo que creo Y ser siempre yo sin miedo Bailar y cantar por habito Y ver claro en vez de oscuro Desarraigar mis secretos Dejar de vivir, si no es por vivir la vida Que grita dentro de mi... Mi libertad
Hoy voy a cambiar Salir dentro de mi no ser solo corazon Dejar y parar fracasos Soltar los brazos y libertad que oprime mi razon Volar libre con todos mis defectos, Para poder rescatar mis derechos Y no cobrarle a la vida caminos y decisiones Hoy quiero y debo cambiar Dividirle al tiempo y sumarle al viento Todas las cosa que un dia soñe conquistar
Porque soy mujer como cualquiera Con dudas y soluciones, Con defectos y virtudes Con amor y desamor Suave como gaviota Pero felina como una leona Tranquila y pacificadora Pero al mismo tiempo irreverente y revolucionaria Feliz e infeliz Realista y soñadora Sumisa por condicion independiente por opinion Porque soy mujer, Con todas las incoherencias que nacen en mi Fuerte, sexo debil
Hoy voy a cambiar Revisar bien mis maletas Y sacar mis sentimientos Y resentimientos todos Hacer limpieza al armario Borrar rencores de antaño Y angustias que hubo en mi mente Para no sufrir por cosas tan pequeñitas Dejar de ser niña... Para ser mujer.
Payaso vanidosOoo
Ese hombre que tu ves ahi
Que parece tan galante
Tan atento y arogante
Lo conozco como a mi
Ese hombre que tu ves ahi
que aparente ser divino
tan amable y efusivo
solo sabe hacer sufir
Es un gran necio
Un estupido engreido
Egoista y caprichoso
Un payaso vanidoso
Inconciente y presumido
Falso enano rencoroso
Que no tiene corazon
Lleno de celos sin razones ni motivos
Como el viento impetuoso
Pocas veces cariñoso
Inseguro de si mismo
Insoportable como amigo
Insufrible como amor
Ese hombre que tu ves alli
Que parece tan amable
Navigoso y agradable
Lo conozco como a mi
Solo sabe hacer sufrir
Tu no tienes corazon
Me engañaste con traicion
tu no tienes corazon
Ese hombre que tu ves ahi
Parece tan amable
Pero no es agradable
Me engañaste con traicion tu no tienes corazon
Que parece tan galante
Tan atento y arogante
Lo conozco como a mi
Ese hombre que tu ves ahi
que aparente ser divino
tan amable y efusivo
solo sabe hacer sufir
Es un gran necio
Un estupido engreido
Egoista y caprichoso
Un payaso vanidoso
Inconciente y presumido
Falso enano rencoroso
Que no tiene corazon
Lleno de celos sin razones ni motivos
Como el viento impetuoso
Pocas veces cariñoso
Inseguro de si mismo
Insoportable como amigo
Insufrible como amor
Ese hombre que tu ves alli
Que parece tan amable
Navigoso y agradable
Lo conozco como a mi
Solo sabe hacer sufrir
Tu no tienes corazon
Me engañaste con traicion
tu no tienes corazon
Ese hombre que tu ves ahi
Parece tan amable
Pero no es agradable
Me engañaste con traicion tu no tienes corazon
Songs with Women POW3R!!!
QUE GANAS DE NO VERTE MAS
OhQue Ganas de no verte nunca mas
Aunque me muera
Hacerme de corage y escapar
Por esa puerta
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Y ser valiente
Decirte que con el estoy mejor
Que me comprende
Ha el le sobra el tiempo como a mi
Ha el le arde la sangre como a mi
Con el me encuentro nueva
Tan dispuesta tan entera
De mujer de carne y hueso para amar
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de cerra este capitulo en mi vida
Donde fuiste una mentira y nada mas
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Haberme dado cuenta que contigo estoy decierta
Que no tengo mas paciencia que inventar
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Te lo confieso
No pidas que me vuelva equivocar
No pidas esoQue ganas de no verte nunca mas
Y ser valienteDecirte que con el estoy mejor
Que me comprendeHa el le sobra el tiempo como a mi
Ha el le arde la sangre como a mi
Con el me encuentro nueva
Tan dispuesta tan entera
De mujer de carne y hueso para amar
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de cerra este capitulo en mi vida
Donde fuiste una mentira y nada mas
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Haberme dado cuenta que contigo estoy decierta
Que no tengo mas paciencia que inventar
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Ganas de no verte aunque me muera
Sin ti me siento nueva y tan entera
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de cerra este capitulo en mi vida
Donde fuiste una mentira y nada mas
OhQue Ganas de no verte nunca mas
Aunque me muera
Hacerme de corage y escapar
Por esa puerta
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Y ser valiente
Decirte que con el estoy mejor
Que me comprende
Ha el le sobra el tiempo como a mi
Ha el le arde la sangre como a mi
Con el me encuentro nueva
Tan dispuesta tan entera
De mujer de carne y hueso para amar
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de cerra este capitulo en mi vida
Donde fuiste una mentira y nada mas
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Haberme dado cuenta que contigo estoy decierta
Que no tengo mas paciencia que inventar
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Te lo confieso
No pidas que me vuelva equivocar
No pidas esoQue ganas de no verte nunca mas
Y ser valienteDecirte que con el estoy mejor
Que me comprendeHa el le sobra el tiempo como a mi
Ha el le arde la sangre como a mi
Con el me encuentro nueva
Tan dispuesta tan entera
De mujer de carne y hueso para amar
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de cerra este capitulo en mi vida
Donde fuiste una mentira y nada mas
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Haberme dado cuenta que contigo estoy decierta
Que no tengo mas paciencia que inventar
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Ganas de no verte aunque me muera
Sin ti me siento nueva y tan entera
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de cerra este capitulo en mi vida
Donde fuiste una mentira y nada mas
mardi, octobre 12, 2004
The Inevitable.: 09/15/2002 - 09/21/2002
This is a great site if you want to read poetic stuff that makes sense to the soul hmm....for those of us who cannot express ourselves and when we read what she/he has written we feel like someone understands our feelings....
Nice, very nice...totally inevitable to feel the way we do sometimes The Inevitable.: 09/15/2002 - 09/21/2002
Nice, very nice...totally inevitable to feel the way we do sometimes The Inevitable.: 09/15/2002 - 09/21/2002
Junky
Junkie
Robi Dräco Rosa
lady love, are you sad today,
come and sway with me over here
sorry sunlight jaded forever,
I don’t like it cold in the summer
no need for the wasteland of the pain anymore
my hands, embrace the air, every time I look at you
one last chance and we can burn the morrow,
one last chance before tomorrow
I don’t care where we go
I don’t care what we do
doesn’t matter who we are
cause all we have is the broken calm of the sea
it’s time to let things go
it’s time to just be free
junkie, come on now junkie
id like to find a way to kill the pain for you
junkie, you are the cry of pain
I know that someday love and death will make you new
lady love, arose horizon, while we’ve been gone
she holds my hand
I just want to mourn this forever,
wanna sleep in love where ever
no need for the wasteland of the wounded sea
one last chance and we will burn the sorrow
one last chance before tomorrow
junkie, come on now junkie
id like to find a way to kill the pain for you
junkie, you are the cry of pain
I know that someday love and death will make you new
junkie, come on now junkie
id like to find a way to kill the pain for you
junkie, you are the cry of pain
I know that someday love and death will make you new
(some song that was dedicated to me. Who knows if he remembers....I like it. I wish someone would kill the pain for me. He's no junkie, He's a man, an intelligent one hmm).
Robi Dräco Rosa
lady love, are you sad today,
come and sway with me over here
sorry sunlight jaded forever,
I don’t like it cold in the summer
no need for the wasteland of the pain anymore
my hands, embrace the air, every time I look at you
one last chance and we can burn the morrow,
one last chance before tomorrow
I don’t care where we go
I don’t care what we do
doesn’t matter who we are
cause all we have is the broken calm of the sea
it’s time to let things go
it’s time to just be free
junkie, come on now junkie
id like to find a way to kill the pain for you
junkie, you are the cry of pain
I know that someday love and death will make you new
lady love, arose horizon, while we’ve been gone
she holds my hand
I just want to mourn this forever,
wanna sleep in love where ever
no need for the wasteland of the wounded sea
one last chance and we will burn the sorrow
one last chance before tomorrow
junkie, come on now junkie
id like to find a way to kill the pain for you
junkie, you are the cry of pain
I know that someday love and death will make you new
junkie, come on now junkie
id like to find a way to kill the pain for you
junkie, you are the cry of pain
I know that someday love and death will make you new
(some song that was dedicated to me. Who knows if he remembers....I like it. I wish someone would kill the pain for me. He's no junkie, He's a man, an intelligent one hmm).
La niña esta triste. ¿Que puedo yo hacer para que sonria?
No se que es lo que me pasa pero no puedo dejar de pensar en ti
Cada cancion que escucho me recuerda a ti
me siento como esclava de tu ser
Sin ti algo me falta, no soy caval.
Lucho contra este sentimiento y te quiero decir adios pero no me atrevo
Te quiero de verdad, pero tu a mi?
No quiero decir que vivo por ti, pero tampoco se vivir sin ti
Ya no me importa que tan cursi llegue a ser
Todo lo que quisiera es perderme en el cariño que me pudieras ofrecer
Mis sentimientos me traicionan, que puedo hacer?
Por favor llega pronto y enseñame a odiarte o a amarte
parece que cada vez te alejas mas y mas, pero en mi mente mas cercas estas
Me he cambiado nombre, intentado ser la ideal
pero parece que de eso tu jamas sabras.
no me atrevo a gritar tu nombre
decirte que te quiero
que te extraño
Vivire para siempre con este secreto....
con los recuerdos, mis deseos de lo que no puede ser
Mi cuerpo exclama tu nombre
pero se detiene al saber que no te conoce y eso no me da placer
mis labios desean tocar los tuyos
mis manos añoran sentir tu piel
Toda yo he llegado a ser un caos completo!
Me desmorono por ti, me hago trizas sin ti
Traes la sensacion de hormigueo en mi
lloro si siento que no te interesas en mi
y es que me has envolvido en una telaraña de la que no logro salir
>_<
Cada cancion que escucho me recuerda a ti
me siento como esclava de tu ser
Sin ti algo me falta, no soy caval.
Lucho contra este sentimiento y te quiero decir adios pero no me atrevo
Te quiero de verdad, pero tu a mi?
No quiero decir que vivo por ti, pero tampoco se vivir sin ti
Ya no me importa que tan cursi llegue a ser
Todo lo que quisiera es perderme en el cariño que me pudieras ofrecer
Mis sentimientos me traicionan, que puedo hacer?
Por favor llega pronto y enseñame a odiarte o a amarte
parece que cada vez te alejas mas y mas, pero en mi mente mas cercas estas
Me he cambiado nombre, intentado ser la ideal
pero parece que de eso tu jamas sabras.
no me atrevo a gritar tu nombre
decirte que te quiero
que te extraño
Vivire para siempre con este secreto....
con los recuerdos, mis deseos de lo que no puede ser
Mi cuerpo exclama tu nombre
pero se detiene al saber que no te conoce y eso no me da placer
mis labios desean tocar los tuyos
mis manos añoran sentir tu piel
Toda yo he llegado a ser un caos completo!
Me desmorono por ti, me hago trizas sin ti
Traes la sensacion de hormigueo en mi
lloro si siento que no te interesas en mi
y es que me has envolvido en una telaraña de la que no logro salir
>_<
vendredi, octobre 01, 2004
How long has it been?
I think it has been a while; there has even been some changes around here. I told myself I needed to stop coming for support here; my crutch. Recently, I have noticed many father/daughter relationships and they puzzle me. I wonder about my own relationship with my father, which is worse than the worst.
I don't usually see people who love their fathers and now that I see it, well, it throws me off. It's something foreign to me. Than, I notice I need of love. I am not sure from who, but I need it. My body cries for it. I'm hungry for a hug, a kiss, but mostly a hug. I wish someone would hold me like they were to never let go.... squeez me.
There's some pix of my goofy self http://flickr.com/photos/upload/?saved=1
I don't usually see people who love their fathers and now that I see it, well, it throws me off. It's something foreign to me. Than, I notice I need of love. I am not sure from who, but I need it. My body cries for it. I'm hungry for a hug, a kiss, but mostly a hug. I wish someone would hold me like they were to never let go.... squeez me.
There's some pix of my goofy self http://flickr.com/photos/upload/?saved=1
lundi, juin 14, 2004
Scared!!
Oh my goodness, I am so stupid!
I just moved to Colorado and I am walking down the street and a man offers me a ride or I don't even know what. What did he think I was? A hooker? I thought he was my uncle. The truck looked the same sort of hmm...
I'm looking for a job and I can't find any. Although, I just filled out the applications. I wonder if I'll be as miserable here as I was before. I know I am sad anyway. I don't Know what in the world is going on with my head. I'm never completely happy. I feel like crying lol. I laugh because ever since I can remember I've felt like crying.*sigh*
I miss my family and some computer time, why not. I need to keep looking. I can't quit. I really can't. I came here to succeed that's for sure. I just wish I was more strong and brave like a rock! ^_^ I am so sad...I should find out where the kingdome Hall is at. They will give me moral support. oh, so sad. I might just start crying here at the library, but for the same reason, I am not going to; it's the library for God's sake!
I just wish I had someone to talk to if I did before, now I have no one at all. I don't have that confidence with anyone. man, I am screwed this time and alone this time, more alone than ever...
I just moved to Colorado and I am walking down the street and a man offers me a ride or I don't even know what. What did he think I was? A hooker? I thought he was my uncle. The truck looked the same sort of hmm...
I'm looking for a job and I can't find any. Although, I just filled out the applications. I wonder if I'll be as miserable here as I was before. I know I am sad anyway. I don't Know what in the world is going on with my head. I'm never completely happy. I feel like crying lol. I laugh because ever since I can remember I've felt like crying.*sigh*
I miss my family and some computer time, why not. I need to keep looking. I can't quit. I really can't. I came here to succeed that's for sure. I just wish I was more strong and brave like a rock! ^_^ I am so sad...I should find out where the kingdome Hall is at. They will give me moral support. oh, so sad. I might just start crying here at the library, but for the same reason, I am not going to; it's the library for God's sake!
I just wish I had someone to talk to if I did before, now I have no one at all. I don't have that confidence with anyone. man, I am screwed this time and alone this time, more alone than ever...
mardi, juin 01, 2004
out
My precious God, I am so confused. I need to see the light so bad. I feel so needy. I am lost and everything is foggy. I can't see clearly, but I am out. I am out of here for good. I've lasted too long, taken too much, hurt beyond what I can take.
I stand alone, with no money, with nothing and almost no one. I don't trust anyone. I feel like everyone is going to let me down... everyone everyone!!! it feels like it's all talk all the time. I know that what I have to do is leave my home, my father behind. I hate him so much... I despise him so. I know it's not right. I know, but there is just so many things that I can't forget or forgive. God, when did I ever do anything so bad to lose his respect and his trust. I never had it, that's what it is. I'll always be a bad person to him and I don't even know why.
and today, today I just want to run away. I don't care if I live out in the streets. I don't care if I get killed. I just don't care. I don't know. I always knew I wasn't like the rest, since I was a kid. I knew i was different, very different. Than there is my secret..the secret that kept me in the dark. The one that tortures me until today, the one I will never talk about face to face to anyone, the one i can't even accept, the same one that I'll die feeling guilty about.
but right now, all I know is that I need money, a gynecologist bc i don't know what in the world is going on with my body. It seems to be rotting as well as my mind. Everything keeps getting worse and worse, and I need a place to stay. I wish so much I had someone to tell this to.
see, this is what I mean about people always being talk. There is NO FRIENDS, there is no one you can trust. There is no family you can trust either bc they will too betray you, hurt you the worst. I am starting to believe there is no love either. I started to believe in it, but I think it's not for me. I'll never trust someone's love either. It's all words. Words that the wind takes away into forever and keeps it silent so that I won't hear it, so that I'll keep feeling dejected, outkast. These are the feelings that lead me to think that death is what's best for me.
Oh God, you know how I hate to feel this way. To be wishing to end my life, but I feel so lonely and so betrayed. It all seems real pain to me, not like I am making it up. Most people think that, that I complain too much, that I nag, that I'm hateful, sad all the time. I know these things. I know, I know, why do they have to keep on reminding me? why do they have to torture me? remind me of my faults and make me feel so awful. I hate them I hate them all too. I hate everyone..well, not everyone..i can't hate everyone. the thing is that i love. I hate love. It only hurts me deep in my empty chest. leaves me feeling sophocated and leaves me tasting a bitter flavour in my mouth, tears in my eyes, pain all over every single inch of my body; too exhausted to continue. I love too deeply, that's my problem. I shall be damned.
And so I leave, with one destination in mind, with no put my trust in, no money, no job, no nothing. I sound pathetic, but i might just make myself a better person; stronger with an invincible mind and an untouchable heart.
I stand alone, with no money, with nothing and almost no one. I don't trust anyone. I feel like everyone is going to let me down... everyone everyone!!! it feels like it's all talk all the time. I know that what I have to do is leave my home, my father behind. I hate him so much... I despise him so. I know it's not right. I know, but there is just so many things that I can't forget or forgive. God, when did I ever do anything so bad to lose his respect and his trust. I never had it, that's what it is. I'll always be a bad person to him and I don't even know why.
and today, today I just want to run away. I don't care if I live out in the streets. I don't care if I get killed. I just don't care. I don't know. I always knew I wasn't like the rest, since I was a kid. I knew i was different, very different. Than there is my secret..the secret that kept me in the dark. The one that tortures me until today, the one I will never talk about face to face to anyone, the one i can't even accept, the same one that I'll die feeling guilty about.
but right now, all I know is that I need money, a gynecologist bc i don't know what in the world is going on with my body. It seems to be rotting as well as my mind. Everything keeps getting worse and worse, and I need a place to stay. I wish so much I had someone to tell this to.
see, this is what I mean about people always being talk. There is NO FRIENDS, there is no one you can trust. There is no family you can trust either bc they will too betray you, hurt you the worst. I am starting to believe there is no love either. I started to believe in it, but I think it's not for me. I'll never trust someone's love either. It's all words. Words that the wind takes away into forever and keeps it silent so that I won't hear it, so that I'll keep feeling dejected, outkast. These are the feelings that lead me to think that death is what's best for me.
Oh God, you know how I hate to feel this way. To be wishing to end my life, but I feel so lonely and so betrayed. It all seems real pain to me, not like I am making it up. Most people think that, that I complain too much, that I nag, that I'm hateful, sad all the time. I know these things. I know, I know, why do they have to keep on reminding me? why do they have to torture me? remind me of my faults and make me feel so awful. I hate them I hate them all too. I hate everyone..well, not everyone..i can't hate everyone. the thing is that i love. I hate love. It only hurts me deep in my empty chest. leaves me feeling sophocated and leaves me tasting a bitter flavour in my mouth, tears in my eyes, pain all over every single inch of my body; too exhausted to continue. I love too deeply, that's my problem. I shall be damned.
And so I leave, with one destination in mind, with no put my trust in, no money, no job, no nothing. I sound pathetic, but i might just make myself a better person; stronger with an invincible mind and an untouchable heart.
jeudi, mai 13, 2004
This is as corny as i can get...
Oh, la vida gira más suave a tu lado.
Todo sabe y se ve estilo arcoiris.
De ti deseo intoxicarme; elevarme.
Riendo quiero seguir, soñando con la eternidad
de nuestro ser
nunca espero extrañarte
en mi, muy dentro de mi estas clavado
es mas allá de lo fisico
es tan real como el aire que respiro y me mantiene viva
Más que una emoción
el amor por ti, tangible
jamás una última vez
siempre proximo a mi costado
aaaagggrrrrr no me sale... ya ni voy a terminar de escibirlo. si alguien lee esto se me va a caer la cara de vergüenza esto es super corny no se ni en lo que estaba pensando..aggg es imposible intentar ser cursi..uno nace cursi y yo no lo soy ..bueno aveces pero no asi de cursi agggg bueno, yo trate.
Todo sabe y se ve estilo arcoiris.
De ti deseo intoxicarme; elevarme.
Riendo quiero seguir, soñando con la eternidad
de nuestro ser
nunca espero extrañarte
en mi, muy dentro de mi estas clavado
es mas allá de lo fisico
es tan real como el aire que respiro y me mantiene viva
Más que una emoción
el amor por ti, tangible
jamás una última vez
siempre proximo a mi costado
aaaagggrrrrr no me sale... ya ni voy a terminar de escibirlo. si alguien lee esto se me va a caer la cara de vergüenza esto es super corny no se ni en lo que estaba pensando..aggg es imposible intentar ser cursi..uno nace cursi y yo no lo soy ..bueno aveces pero no asi de cursi agggg bueno, yo trate.
lundi, mai 10, 2004
Rage
The unspoken words, yet continuos thoughts. The forbidden deeds, but the most desirable in spite of a peace of conscience.
Ah, the rage! It's a blaze. The euphoria and the feeling of power, so tangible.
Creep, all those spiderwebs are trapping you inside.
Wild child running free, yet not visible before the naked eye, an emotion.
so much rage far or away from love?
Kill, Kill, Kill, see the bloodshed. Would that quench this everlasting thirst?
The fear and the tears on the opponents eyes. Crushing. A plethora of unexplainable pain injected into the veins, unspoken.
Ah, Rage in the verge of transforming into its physical state.
Ah, the rage! It's a blaze. The euphoria and the feeling of power, so tangible.
Creep, all those spiderwebs are trapping you inside.
Wild child running free, yet not visible before the naked eye, an emotion.
so much rage far or away from love?
Kill, Kill, Kill, see the bloodshed. Would that quench this everlasting thirst?
The fear and the tears on the opponents eyes. Crushing. A plethora of unexplainable pain injected into the veins, unspoken.
Ah, Rage in the verge of transforming into its physical state.
jeudi, mai 06, 2004
Dreams
I keep dreaming about this one guy.... I guy I've made up, I suppose because I've never met him. I think I even dream about him every day. Today I was dreaming that I got married to another guy and I let him down. I wanted to marry my guy >_< but all the time we're not together...and I wake up wishing for him.
I don't even know why my mind keeps dreaming of him when he is turning more and more unreal...plus everytime we end up NOT together. Maybe that's it, he is turning into just a dream, and not reality.
I don't even know why my mind keeps dreaming of him when he is turning more and more unreal...plus everytime we end up NOT together. Maybe that's it, he is turning into just a dream, and not reality.
mercredi, mai 05, 2004
*sigh*
I need to get rid of all the things I've said. God, I feel so ashamed and embarrassed, which are almost the same thing only different words. Ahh! I feel horrible, I sound so pathetic hmm... Oh, Mi pansa me esta matando!!! ya quiero un transplante Dios mio, pero no me puedo quejar porque aparentemente me esta llendo bien, aunque mi pansa este alrevez. I think I am starting to see the light...I think, I think...
samedi, avril 24, 2004
5 days
I couldn't even go a week without feeling horrible again...what a loser. Such a failure...I tried you can even ask some people. i don't care how many times anyone tells me that I am this "great person" bc i won't believe it. I feel it's all lies. I know everyone is just so tired of me and my attitude. I always get so stuck to people, to a feeling, to my ideas...Oh, I just wish I was shallow. Shallow people don't seem to have a problem with the way things are. They just don't care.
People seem so distant and unreal. man, i thought i was going to make it this time. i thought i could bring myself up and keep it that way. "It" always comes back though...it sucks me in and i can't get out. I need someone to help me i can't do it alone. I just can't!!! I don't wanna die really...
People seem so distant and unreal. man, i thought i was going to make it this time. i thought i could bring myself up and keep it that way. "It" always comes back though...it sucks me in and i can't get out. I need someone to help me i can't do it alone. I just can't!!! I don't wanna die really...
lundi, avril 19, 2004
Perdiendo la batalla...
Nunca aquella mujer habia llorado tan fuerte...como una niña, pero con un dolor tan profundo que no era lastima por si misma. Era algo tan oscuro, tan sin explicacion, como el cual solo una mujer puede tener...un ser tan extraviado, vagabundo, sin dirección, sin consuelo, con un muro de por medio, desvalida, despreciada por si misma...ay como duele! como duele tan dentro tan dentro en lo mas profundo de aquella niña dónde no sabia existia. Lloraba y Lloraba e imploraba ...ayuda y aquel dolor no desvanecia. Estaba sola, y aquellos llantos y el viento eran lo unico que escuchaba, pero como dolia por dentro. Un dolor del alma, del corazón, ese corazón quebrantado.
Queria la muerte, pero queria vivir a la vez e imploraba por ayuda...lo unico que la ayudaba era seguir derramando lagrimas y su llanto era tan fuerte y estremecedor..como anciaba el fin...como anciaba no tener emociones, corazón, no existir, e olvidarse de todo, de ella, de el, de todos. Ni un frasco de pastillas le daba seguridad...tenia miedo, no se atrevia... El dolor era demaciado, mas fuerte que el anterior y asi permanecio llorando, estremesiendose en medio de la soledad y el vacio mas grande que ella misma....
y los segundos se hacian horas y lo que parecian minutos se hacian años...esta perdiendo la batalla esta perdiendo porque le es tan dificil vencerce a si misma esos sentimientos tan desagradables y esos pensamientos tan ruines...no quiere ser cobarde, jura que no quiere ser cobarde.
oh Jah!
Queria la muerte, pero queria vivir a la vez e imploraba por ayuda...lo unico que la ayudaba era seguir derramando lagrimas y su llanto era tan fuerte y estremecedor..como anciaba el fin...como anciaba no tener emociones, corazón, no existir, e olvidarse de todo, de ella, de el, de todos. Ni un frasco de pastillas le daba seguridad...tenia miedo, no se atrevia... El dolor era demaciado, mas fuerte que el anterior y asi permanecio llorando, estremesiendose en medio de la soledad y el vacio mas grande que ella misma....
y los segundos se hacian horas y lo que parecian minutos se hacian años...esta perdiendo la batalla esta perdiendo porque le es tan dificil vencerce a si misma esos sentimientos tan desagradables y esos pensamientos tan ruines...no quiere ser cobarde, jura que no quiere ser cobarde.
oh Jah!
samedi, avril 17, 2004
vencida despues de todo...
Ya me canse. Ya no puedo decir que quiero salir adelante. Ya estoy harta de mi vida. Me quiero morir. Y es que ya no quiero seguir mas aqui en este mundo mendigando amor. Y es que me duele mucho, me da mucha tristeza. Siempre me invade la tristeza. Me repudio a mi misma por ser asi, no saben como...ustedes no saben. Odio mi forma de ser, tan depresiva siempre, tan negativa. Y es que yo se que a todos les molesto. Yo lo se, Siempre lo eh sabido. Solo me quiero morir, morirme con mi tristeza y olvidarme de que alguna vez existi asi como los demas nunca mas se acordaran de mi. Quiero desaparecer en el viento y penetrarme en la nada, es ahi donde correspondo...es ahi. Ya no habra mas sentimientos, estos que me destruyen por dentro y que acaban con el amor que alguna vez alguien me haya tenido. Soy yo la culpable por mi maldita forma de ser...ahora entienden porque me quiero morir? no verdad..no entienden. Nadie nunca lo sabra, nadie.
jeudi, avril 08, 2004
La mujer ideal
cual es la chica ideal? la que se preocupa por sus uñas? la que siempre esta cuidandose que no se le dañen las manos? o la que siempre quiere andar de compras y en el salon de belleza..quizas la que usa perfume, o la que habla de su novio todo el dia a toda hora, la que presume las cosas que tiene alomejor...la que es coqueta o sexy? la que usa lapiz labial o maquillaje en general. ah ya se! la que es bonita...si la que tiene una cara impecable y un cuerpo perfecto...hmm sera la que se cree debil para hacer trabajos pesados, la que se preocupa por no perder la figura, la que se desvive por agradar a su esposo/novio? una que hable mucho alomejor...o la que camina sexy si, la que tiene una voz femenina..hmm
que mal, resulte no ser la mujer ideal entonces...
que mal, resulte no ser la mujer ideal entonces...
vendredi, avril 02, 2004
Asfixia
Sin inspiración y sin tinta, a base de rayones vacios, conectandome con mi tormentoso interior, en el silencio falso y gastado en dónde frenéticamente el exasperante bullicio de mi mente me traisiona retando al tiempo infinito, liberando asi al implacable frenesí, en un mundo aturdido en ideas oscuras, en gritos sofocados y desecho en miedo y confusión toxica, siguiendole al mortal y desbocado desafuero, del cual deseosa estoy de ser excluida, pero soy dos en una provocando en mi ser una espléndida revolución total. Buscando mi triunfo, buscando mi ansiado ser perdido en el olvido.
lundi, mars 29, 2004
Retrospective
Dying inside is painful as you feel whom you love the most despises you, as you see that your life is full of awkwardness, as everyone tells you that you're weird.
Dying inside is sorrow as you experience your own funeral, as you experience the darkness of death alive...horrifying feelings is what I feel. Dying inside youself is exasperating as you wait for the end to come, as you hold your breath because the anxious feeling is eating you away...
....but nontheless you want to believe and hope for better days to come.
(something written yrs. ago)
Dying inside is sorrow as you experience your own funeral, as you experience the darkness of death alive...horrifying feelings is what I feel. Dying inside youself is exasperating as you wait for the end to come, as you hold your breath because the anxious feeling is eating you away...
....but nontheless you want to believe and hope for better days to come.
(something written yrs. ago)
dimanche, mars 28, 2004
Some Mind, I tells ya!
Why is it that life is so strange? say something today and don't rememember tomorrow. It's how it is. Emotions are at times present, but dissappear moslty during the day. I don't know why... I really don't care. Who am I? that is what want is, wanting to know who you are and never knowing, but others see it. Yet, I believe that nobody ever really knows because...who are we? How do we know others when we don't even know ourselves. It sounds rather ilogical. It's the most difficult age, life, feeling...is it a feeling? what is age...time? Yet, time is infinite and cannot attach age to it. It is us who attach ourselves to time because we are weak, our bodies, our mind, our heart, we are weak. Believing makes one stronger, but as long as one doesn't cultivate "it"... it dies away and feel lost again and again... the world spins and spins and draws you in...it feels drowsy, uncertain of life's existance. Are you there? Am I here? What is this? feeling and than not feeling...the calmness after the storm. The storm...do not forget the storm, that which has changed you, but you don't know how. The one that has made you indifferent and tired...tiredness, it feels great to be tired when you have done tremendous amount of work and have accomplished your goals...small goals...getting up in the morning and confronting the unknown is a great accomplishment. Why, you don't know if that is the last time you are getting up, the last time you see your house, your sisters, your brothers, your parents, yourself. Look inside, look inside...inside the sould and make it better, happier, peaceful, easier like smiling all the time...
...the sweetness inside, the warm tingle inside your body, so true, tangible almost and at the same time untouchable. Only yours, only yours...there is something so BIG inside of you that is yelling, loving and loving...
....the darkness, the pain, anguish, and exasperation takes over and you try and you try and get no response...well, not the one you want. not love. Instead, you get tortured by listening call you an idiot and you feel like an idiot. you do...there is a connection that must be made. No one ever said it had to be a love connection...kiss because you are used to it...kiss because you want to transmitt the vibe, the love...yet he does not respond...
...Look, look! why do you refuse to look? you're persistent because you need to hold on, why? I want to know.
heh! that was written by some fool who was heart broken among other things. Wondering about everything maybe it's just too much to take (of course, the story above has been edited). Now that fool has moved on half way...I might trip over you again....
...the sweetness inside, the warm tingle inside your body, so true, tangible almost and at the same time untouchable. Only yours, only yours...there is something so BIG inside of you that is yelling, loving and loving...
....the darkness, the pain, anguish, and exasperation takes over and you try and you try and get no response...well, not the one you want. not love. Instead, you get tortured by listening call you an idiot and you feel like an idiot. you do...there is a connection that must be made. No one ever said it had to be a love connection...kiss because you are used to it...kiss because you want to transmitt the vibe, the love...yet he does not respond...
...Look, look! why do you refuse to look? you're persistent because you need to hold on, why? I want to know.
heh! that was written by some fool who was heart broken among other things. Wondering about everything maybe it's just too much to take (of course, the story above has been edited). Now that fool has moved on half way...I might trip over you again....
dimanche, mars 21, 2004
Recycle
I thought that maybe one day it was all going to get better, but I was mistaken....
Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand
The green eyes
Yeah the spotlight
Shines upon you
And how could
Anybody
Deny you
I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Now I've met you
Honey you should know
I could never go on
Without you
Green eyes
Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know
The green eyes
You're the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who tried to deny you,
Must be out of their minds
'Cause I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter since I've met you
Honey you should know,
That I could never go on
Without you
Green eyes, green eyes, ohohoh...
Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand.
this song I love...it's just soothing and reminds me of the people who have been there for me when I have needed them.
Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand
The green eyes
Yeah the spotlight
Shines upon you
And how could
Anybody
Deny you
I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Now I've met you
Honey you should know
I could never go on
Without you
Green eyes
Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know
The green eyes
You're the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who tried to deny you,
Must be out of their minds
'Cause I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter since I've met you
Honey you should know,
That I could never go on
Without you
Green eyes, green eyes, ohohoh...
Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand.
this song I love...it's just soothing and reminds me of the people who have been there for me when I have needed them.
samedi, février 28, 2004
I stand alone
This is the story of any human being who has at one time found him/her self lost in his/her thoughts...
It is common for a creature with a brain to make use of it. There has even been times when you think that you are already abusing your brain's capacity. I've felt that way many times. In this madness, now I understand, that in this life I stand alone. Also that the more you know someone the more you miss them. For a while, I must admitt, I thought I had someone, but I was soon awakened by my cruel reality. I refuse to be foolish again. I know we all have issues we consume our time with, but I always thought that maybe one day I'd get to share my worries with someone else. Today, though, I dismiss that possibility. Everyone just keeps on leaving. No matter how much I plead for minimum understandment, people just won't take me seriously. As a matter of fact, when I am most serious, they laugh the most. I find that strangely annoying and interesting at the same time. It bothers me slightly, when I am expressing my deepest feelings and all I get is laughter in response.
It's official, the world is infested with phonies. No one will even listen, much less help.
It is common for a creature with a brain to make use of it. There has even been times when you think that you are already abusing your brain's capacity. I've felt that way many times. In this madness, now I understand, that in this life I stand alone. Also that the more you know someone the more you miss them. For a while, I must admitt, I thought I had someone, but I was soon awakened by my cruel reality. I refuse to be foolish again. I know we all have issues we consume our time with, but I always thought that maybe one day I'd get to share my worries with someone else. Today, though, I dismiss that possibility. Everyone just keeps on leaving. No matter how much I plead for minimum understandment, people just won't take me seriously. As a matter of fact, when I am most serious, they laugh the most. I find that strangely annoying and interesting at the same time. It bothers me slightly, when I am expressing my deepest feelings and all I get is laughter in response.
It's official, the world is infested with phonies. No one will even listen, much less help.
dimanche, février 22, 2004
so weird...hmm
En serio que no se que me pasa. Estoy perdiendo la razon. Puedo notarlo. Porfavor alguien que me ayude porque estoy que me repudio a mi misma!!!
I've been having this flashbacks about my ex and all I feel is rage. Is that normal? It's like when I think of him, I wish for all the guys I know to disappear also. I like some of the guys though...>_<
no cabe duda, soy grotesca. No entiendo como ya no estoy en el manicomio, ni tampoco se porque todavia hay gente que se aguanta mis enojos. Aunque creo que ya todo mundo se esta artando de mi, y es que me lo merezco por grocera =(
I'm sad.
I've been having this flashbacks about my ex and all I feel is rage. Is that normal? It's like when I think of him, I wish for all the guys I know to disappear also. I like some of the guys though...>_<
no cabe duda, soy grotesca. No entiendo como ya no estoy en el manicomio, ni tampoco se porque todavia hay gente que se aguanta mis enojos. Aunque creo que ya todo mundo se esta artando de mi, y es que me lo merezco por grocera =(
I'm sad.
samedi, février 21, 2004
How are you supposed to becareful of what you don't know about?
I am lost. Yeah, what else is new? Either I am always confused, lost, sad, or too happy. Screw it! I am nothing but a freezed up wave in this fixed planet. I am not even sure if I just made up a word. Like I said, screw it!
There is nothing more annoying than not knowing what is going on. I swear it drives me nuts. When it comes to people and I don't know what is going on with them, I always think something bad is going to happen. That is, they are getting tired of me >_< I know it. I know it!I just don't want my heart to get hurt anymore. I am scared of that. Isn't anyone else also afraid?
There is just days like this one when it all seems like a dream....so empty
There is nothing more annoying than not knowing what is going on. I swear it drives me nuts. When it comes to people and I don't know what is going on with them, I always think something bad is going to happen. That is, they are getting tired of me >_< I know it. I know it!I just don't want my heart to get hurt anymore. I am scared of that. Isn't anyone else also afraid?
There is just days like this one when it all seems like a dream....so empty
mercredi, février 18, 2004
Quiet
There is not much to say lately, other than it's quiet around here. Everything keeps on being motionless and no one is taking steps towards improvement. On the other hand, my father is taking steps back!! Imagine that...anyway, I don't even know who has the reason in this world. I imagine no one does have it.
I didn't do much today. I "roller bladed" some with an 8-9 year old ha ha ha. I almost split my face in two! '_' I had not done it in several years. You have to understand. I would love to go ice skating, but than again, there is so many things i would like to do, but can't. It seems like everything is impossible all the time he he. I know. I am a pessimist. Any one up to the challenge of making me an optimist? '~' (does that look like a face to you?)
I didn't do much today. I "roller bladed" some with an 8-9 year old ha ha ha. I almost split my face in two! '_' I had not done it in several years. You have to understand. I would love to go ice skating, but than again, there is so many things i would like to do, but can't. It seems like everything is impossible all the time he he. I know. I am a pessimist. Any one up to the challenge of making me an optimist? '~' (does that look like a face to you?)
dimanche, février 15, 2004
Falling
Y me encuentro otra vez en las profundidades de este pozo que se llena de lagrimas, y siento que me ahoga; en el cual e nacido. Siempre e tenido la esperanza de que un dia todo va a ser diferente y que mi vida va a dar un giro inesperado. Claro, da giros y giros pero pareciera que solo para lo peor. Mi mente esta llena de tinieblas,miedos, y telarañas y mi cuerpo sufre dolores de todos tipos. La enfermedad ataca y la tristeza invade. No son combinaciones buenas, pues pueden derrotar a cualquiera que no sea valiente lo suficiente. Es dificil vivir hoy en dia. Hace apenas meses pase por dificultosas situaciones y pense que era lo peor de la vida. Ahora, me siento a reflejar sobre los hechos y miro que lo que vivo hoy en dia es aun mas duro.
Quiero pensar que e crecido mentalmente, que soy valiente, que soy optimista, pero al parecer esas caracteristicas no me caracterizan a mi. Es una pena. Yo ya no estoy segura de como cai y me rompi en mil pedazos ni de como e podido recuperar los pedazos y pegarlos otra vez de nuevo como si fuese un rompecabezas, pero siento que no e puesto las piezas bien y me afecta. Hay tantas heridas que no an sanado bien y muchas que se estan haciendo y otras que estan por hacerse. Yo ya no se si quiero seguir viviendo o no. Ni de seguir remendando mi alma una y otra vez solo para lastimarme mas. Quiero tener nuevamente una Fe fuerte, pero esta vez inquebrantable. Quiero estar sana. Quiero ser util. Son muchas cosas las que quiero y las que no se como conseguir y si lo se no hago, que es lo peor. Estoy tan perdida en mi misma que dudo que alguien mas me pueda encontrar y rescatar.
Tengo amigos, si, pero pareciera que cuando yo necesito de alguien al maximo nadie esta. Cuando necesito hablar con alguien, llorar con alguien, abrazarme de alguien, apollarme en alguien, busco y no encuentro. No se de quien es la culpa, si mia, o de otros. Creo que es mi culpa. Me siento tan desdichada e infeliz que lo mejor seria un adios para siempre. Ya siento que no puedo, que la vida me a dado la espalda o que yo se la di a ella. No importa porque de todos modos me siento igual.
Quizas si yo volviera a nacer....Jehova, mi Dios, que yo volviera a nacer o mejor no naciera...
hmm, no me gustan los quizas porque me deprimen aun mas.
Mejor que fuera una persona a la cual no le importara nada en la vida y alomejor me llevaria la vida con mas calma y sin pensarmela tanto. Eso es lo que me a afectado al parecer. Siempre fui muy madura. Si hubiese tenido otro padre, otra vida, otro yo. Ah, no vale la pena usar los hubieses porque no existen ni tampoco el clamar por ellos va hacer que se hagan realidad. Lo mejor es no pensar mas y dejar que el tiempo tome su curso y se revele ante a mi a su debido tiempo. Es mejor dejar que muera con el paso de los años este cuerpo en el cual resido....morir es no sentir mas, es no existir, es no sufrir.
Quiero pensar que e crecido mentalmente, que soy valiente, que soy optimista, pero al parecer esas caracteristicas no me caracterizan a mi. Es una pena. Yo ya no estoy segura de como cai y me rompi en mil pedazos ni de como e podido recuperar los pedazos y pegarlos otra vez de nuevo como si fuese un rompecabezas, pero siento que no e puesto las piezas bien y me afecta. Hay tantas heridas que no an sanado bien y muchas que se estan haciendo y otras que estan por hacerse. Yo ya no se si quiero seguir viviendo o no. Ni de seguir remendando mi alma una y otra vez solo para lastimarme mas. Quiero tener nuevamente una Fe fuerte, pero esta vez inquebrantable. Quiero estar sana. Quiero ser util. Son muchas cosas las que quiero y las que no se como conseguir y si lo se no hago, que es lo peor. Estoy tan perdida en mi misma que dudo que alguien mas me pueda encontrar y rescatar.
Tengo amigos, si, pero pareciera que cuando yo necesito de alguien al maximo nadie esta. Cuando necesito hablar con alguien, llorar con alguien, abrazarme de alguien, apollarme en alguien, busco y no encuentro. No se de quien es la culpa, si mia, o de otros. Creo que es mi culpa. Me siento tan desdichada e infeliz que lo mejor seria un adios para siempre. Ya siento que no puedo, que la vida me a dado la espalda o que yo se la di a ella. No importa porque de todos modos me siento igual.
Quizas si yo volviera a nacer....Jehova, mi Dios, que yo volviera a nacer o mejor no naciera...
hmm, no me gustan los quizas porque me deprimen aun mas.
Mejor que fuera una persona a la cual no le importara nada en la vida y alomejor me llevaria la vida con mas calma y sin pensarmela tanto. Eso es lo que me a afectado al parecer. Siempre fui muy madura. Si hubiese tenido otro padre, otra vida, otro yo. Ah, no vale la pena usar los hubieses porque no existen ni tampoco el clamar por ellos va hacer que se hagan realidad. Lo mejor es no pensar mas y dejar que el tiempo tome su curso y se revele ante a mi a su debido tiempo. Es mejor dejar que muera con el paso de los años este cuerpo en el cual resido....morir es no sentir mas, es no existir, es no sufrir.
samedi, février 14, 2004
jeudi, février 12, 2004
I am outraged!
it seems like everytime I come in here is because I have something to complain about. Well, I got news for you. Complaining is all I do!Today was crazy though. Someone said I had lesbian tendencies for God's sake! what kind of people are on line anyway? I am not a lesbian or bi and I am seriously going to forget who I am next time and kick someone's butt.
Furthermore, if there is anything I really do not like in this world is for people to pretend they know me. Do you? I don't think so. If you don't even know my real name than you don't know me. There is a lot of people who don't Buahahahaha...so, SHUT IT!I don't want to hear how much you care about me and how beautiful i am, etc. That gets annoying, especially if it's from freaks.
Anyway, there is people who I love and those people I say I love them. If you haven't heard me say it than guess what? Buahahaha...I'm being mean..some. well, it's good to be honest though. I like to be that way as much as i can. Ok now that I got this off my chest, it's time to go bye bye.
you can complain about me here:
Furthermore, if there is anything I really do not like in this world is for people to pretend they know me. Do you? I don't think so. If you don't even know my real name than you don't know me. There is a lot of people who don't Buahahahaha...so, SHUT IT!I don't want to hear how much you care about me and how beautiful i am, etc. That gets annoying, especially if it's from freaks.
Anyway, there is people who I love and those people I say I love them. If you haven't heard me say it than guess what? Buahahaha...I'm being mean..some. well, it's good to be honest though. I like to be that way as much as i can. Ok now that I got this off my chest, it's time to go bye bye.
you can complain about me here:
jeudi, février 05, 2004
Men, men, men.
This is a very interesting subject. I can't believe that some people think that because I don't have a boyfriend or because I am not interested in finding me one, that I am a lesbian or something. I am not! I don't appreciate being called that, as a matter of fact. Anyway, I don't want a boyfriend for various reasons. One of them being that I am scared of guys ha ha ha especially of older men LOL. I know, I should be O.K., but I am not. I have too much panic in me.
I guess I realized that I am not in high school no more and that if I were to date anyone it would be a lot more serious and all. Crap that scares me half to death! It just makes me sooo nervous. The only thought of being near a guy makes my heart go faster ha ha ha ha what a dork I am. Well, for those of you who enjoy dating older men and just men in particular have fun or something. You crazy people lol.
I guess I realized that I am not in high school no more and that if I were to date anyone it would be a lot more serious and all. Crap that scares me half to death! It just makes me sooo nervous. The only thought of being near a guy makes my heart go faster ha ha ha ha what a dork I am. Well, for those of you who enjoy dating older men and just men in particular have fun or something. You crazy people lol.
mardi, février 03, 2004
lonesome
I feel lonely. I tried talking to some people, but I don't think they understand me. No one ever will. People keep telling me that I am young and that I shouldn't have any worries, but that's not true. Age doesn't always matter. Sure, it helps you gain knowledge based on experiences, but it doesn't mean that young people don't know anything. It also doesn't mean that we don't feel pain or that we are not bound to die. All humanity is for God's sake!
Don't feed me that crap no more! Telling me that I am stupid is actually a more intelligent comment instead of "you are young" or "you are a lady though" as if being a girl made life easier. It doesn't. I wish it did, but it doesn't. I just feel so freakin' lonesome... the feeling of melancholy invades my heart and my mind. It's always there now. I don't like to depend on people, but I know I need of someone. I also know that I need a person to come and help me get rid of this feeling. I got no body though and it's probably going to stay like this for a very long time if not forever.
I know you can't handle me...no one can
Don't feed me that crap no more! Telling me that I am stupid is actually a more intelligent comment instead of "you are young" or "you are a lady though" as if being a girl made life easier. It doesn't. I wish it did, but it doesn't. I just feel so freakin' lonesome... the feeling of melancholy invades my heart and my mind. It's always there now. I don't like to depend on people, but I know I need of someone. I also know that I need a person to come and help me get rid of this feeling. I got no body though and it's probably going to stay like this for a very long time if not forever.
I know you can't handle me...no one can
lundi, février 02, 2004
fears?
I don't understand any of what is happening, to tell you the truth. I've gone wacko and that's all I need to understand. I really have gone wacko this time. Afraid of going to sleep in the dark...yeah tell me about it. It even brings me back memories of back in the day when I was 4 or 5 when I stared out the window in panic until I was so tired of making up stories in my head that i'd fall asleep! Yeah, that's basically what I do now, except now the window I can't see..cuz it's behind me..and it's not like I want to look out of it because i am afraid of what i might see out there..see what i mean!!!! I am paranoid. i swear I am going to end up in a mental institution. It would surprise me if i didn't.
Back then I didn't have the anxiety attacks as bad though and I don't know...I guess I'll never really understand myself or what is freaking wrong with me. If you have any clue please tell me. Also now, I think I am afraid of dying now. I am not sure I even believe that myself, but I think that's why nowadays I can't go to sleep until I can't help myself. This is insanity and beyond, what I am going through.
I just wish I had someone to talk to, but I guess this will have to do for now.
oh, I need a new cpu.
I know I jump from subject to subject, but that's how my mind works. I don't make it do that. It just does it itself and it's probably the explanation of my madness.
Back then I didn't have the anxiety attacks as bad though and I don't know...I guess I'll never really understand myself or what is freaking wrong with me. If you have any clue please tell me. Also now, I think I am afraid of dying now. I am not sure I even believe that myself, but I think that's why nowadays I can't go to sleep until I can't help myself. This is insanity and beyond, what I am going through.
I just wish I had someone to talk to, but I guess this will have to do for now.
oh, I need a new cpu.
I know I jump from subject to subject, but that's how my mind works. I don't make it do that. It just does it itself and it's probably the explanation of my madness.
dimanche, février 01, 2004
Going down the drain...
Dying is part of the cycle of life, I understand that. It's another thing to be going through it though. I also know that since the minute that we are conceived we start to die, but it's another thing to be feeling pain while at it. I have to admit I hate it and I almost hate others for no reason...
there is something I have to remember though, my grandma. Today I am sick. Yeah, big deal. I keep on remembering how brave she was for more than a decade. I mean, I don't think I ever remember her not being sick. Here I am these days, though, complaining about every single pain in my body. I can begin to imagine what it was that my grandma, along with so many other people who are suffering from heavy illnesses.
My grandma, she was diagnosed with breast cancer as time went by. That was not her problem to begin with, though. That was diagnosed WITH TIME. Anyway, I guess what I am trying to get at is that never did I saw that woman complain to others about her pain. I mean, the last time I saw her, I remember clearly, as we were approaching the house. The memory is still very fresh in my mind and so are the times when we said good-bye every time we had to come back to the states. This time, though, I kinda knew it was going to be the last time I said good-bye and there wasn't going to be no coming back. I cleary remember as I entered her room along with my parents and all. As soon as I saw her I knew she was going to die. Do you know what it feels like to look at a person you love and know that he or she is going to die? it's not a very good feeling, I can tell you that. You want to know what was worse? The worst part was that I knew that everyone in that room that night knew that she was going to die, including herself. We all pretended like everything was allright though even though my heart felt like it was sitting on my throat and my tears were about to spurt out. The only reason why I didn't cry was because I knew that as soon as I did she was going to know she was going to die (as if she didn't know already).
I have to admit she had deteriorated immensly. She could barely stay on her feet for long and if she did she shook all the time. Her hair had grown back thouth and I thought it looked pretty. Anyway, I had never seen my grandma cry in my entire life until that one time. I remember she was telling me about how they had removed her breast. She said they hadn't even used anestesia on her. That she yelled and pleaded through out, but it didn't matter to the bastards. Yeah, doctors can be bastards at times and maybe one of the reasons why I wouldn't want to become one. I'm afraid I might turn into one of them. It made me angry, I have to admit. My grandma was not their experiment, but I knew they took her as that. Yeah... that's the first and the last time I saw her cry.
What kills me is that even when I knew she was dying and that I wouldn't see her again, I neither spent ENOUGH time with her nor did I tell her how much I loved her. For some stupid reason, we don't have that in our family. It's like you are always so freakin' uncomfortable letting people know how you feel about them. I mean, romantic relationships is one thing, but family relationships are a whole different deal. You have to tell them that you love them because you can't ever be 100% they know it based on your actions. Although, I do believe that actions count more than words. Well, I guess I didn't want to be around my grandma much because I knew she was going to die. You can't just hang around a person who you know and she knows they are going to die. You feel like you are lying to them or something or if you start crying they might think that you feel sorry for them, but it's not that....not at all. You just want them to be alive and well once again.
That time when we were ready to come back home for school, I said my good-bye. This I don't remember clearly, but I know that my heart was once again stuck in my throat. It sucks when you have your heart there, I have to let you know. It doesn't feel to marvelous. I do remember that as we were driving our way back, I just laid down in the back of the car and quietly cried myself to sleep. That was after I stared back at the town I was abandoning my grandma at. yeah, I felt like I was leaving her all by herself even though my mom had stayed (I know she also knew she wasn't going to be with us for very long, but no one spoke about it). It not like me staying was going to make her healty again and neither was my staring back and crying was going to help her any. I still felt like doing it though and so I did.
Not even a month had gone by when I learned she had died. I was shocked. I don't know why I was feeling that way since I already knew that she was not well. Once again that night I cried myself to sleep. I don't think there has been many times when I have cried as loud and shook as much. I don't like it very much, but it's the only way that I get it all out. Yeah, the truth is that we cry when people die, but I think it's only to make ourselves feel better and maybe because you are so full of regretts all of a sudden. It makes you sad and angry and puts you on a wishing mode. She was a great woman, my grandma. Maybe some other time I can write about my father's mom, my other grandma. She was also a very nice woman. The nice women in my life always seem to die...
Anyway, remembering about this makes me feel better and stronger. I know that I am sick and that I feel pain, but I won't let it get me down. I just want to live longer and at least do something, but I am just so afraid that maybe I'll die before I even get out of this room. I, sometimes, don't even want to go to sleep at night because I feel like if I do, I'll die. I can't help to notice that it sounds somewhat childish, but it's what I feel. I don't like to sleep at night and if I do I feel like a light on my save me...anyway, my cpu is dying as we speak. It's going black on me. I need to post this before it's too late....
I don't want it to be late. I don't want to be late in life. I would like to live it, but I always feel so sickenly blue. It drives me crazy....
there is something I have to remember though, my grandma. Today I am sick. Yeah, big deal. I keep on remembering how brave she was for more than a decade. I mean, I don't think I ever remember her not being sick. Here I am these days, though, complaining about every single pain in my body. I can begin to imagine what it was that my grandma, along with so many other people who are suffering from heavy illnesses.
My grandma, she was diagnosed with breast cancer as time went by. That was not her problem to begin with, though. That was diagnosed WITH TIME. Anyway, I guess what I am trying to get at is that never did I saw that woman complain to others about her pain. I mean, the last time I saw her, I remember clearly, as we were approaching the house. The memory is still very fresh in my mind and so are the times when we said good-bye every time we had to come back to the states. This time, though, I kinda knew it was going to be the last time I said good-bye and there wasn't going to be no coming back. I cleary remember as I entered her room along with my parents and all. As soon as I saw her I knew she was going to die. Do you know what it feels like to look at a person you love and know that he or she is going to die? it's not a very good feeling, I can tell you that. You want to know what was worse? The worst part was that I knew that everyone in that room that night knew that she was going to die, including herself. We all pretended like everything was allright though even though my heart felt like it was sitting on my throat and my tears were about to spurt out. The only reason why I didn't cry was because I knew that as soon as I did she was going to know she was going to die (as if she didn't know already).
I have to admit she had deteriorated immensly. She could barely stay on her feet for long and if she did she shook all the time. Her hair had grown back thouth and I thought it looked pretty. Anyway, I had never seen my grandma cry in my entire life until that one time. I remember she was telling me about how they had removed her breast. She said they hadn't even used anestesia on her. That she yelled and pleaded through out, but it didn't matter to the bastards. Yeah, doctors can be bastards at times and maybe one of the reasons why I wouldn't want to become one. I'm afraid I might turn into one of them. It made me angry, I have to admit. My grandma was not their experiment, but I knew they took her as that. Yeah... that's the first and the last time I saw her cry.
What kills me is that even when I knew she was dying and that I wouldn't see her again, I neither spent ENOUGH time with her nor did I tell her how much I loved her. For some stupid reason, we don't have that in our family. It's like you are always so freakin' uncomfortable letting people know how you feel about them. I mean, romantic relationships is one thing, but family relationships are a whole different deal. You have to tell them that you love them because you can't ever be 100% they know it based on your actions. Although, I do believe that actions count more than words. Well, I guess I didn't want to be around my grandma much because I knew she was going to die. You can't just hang around a person who you know and she knows they are going to die. You feel like you are lying to them or something or if you start crying they might think that you feel sorry for them, but it's not that....not at all. You just want them to be alive and well once again.
That time when we were ready to come back home for school, I said my good-bye. This I don't remember clearly, but I know that my heart was once again stuck in my throat. It sucks when you have your heart there, I have to let you know. It doesn't feel to marvelous. I do remember that as we were driving our way back, I just laid down in the back of the car and quietly cried myself to sleep. That was after I stared back at the town I was abandoning my grandma at. yeah, I felt like I was leaving her all by herself even though my mom had stayed (I know she also knew she wasn't going to be with us for very long, but no one spoke about it). It not like me staying was going to make her healty again and neither was my staring back and crying was going to help her any. I still felt like doing it though and so I did.
Not even a month had gone by when I learned she had died. I was shocked. I don't know why I was feeling that way since I already knew that she was not well. Once again that night I cried myself to sleep. I don't think there has been many times when I have cried as loud and shook as much. I don't like it very much, but it's the only way that I get it all out. Yeah, the truth is that we cry when people die, but I think it's only to make ourselves feel better and maybe because you are so full of regretts all of a sudden. It makes you sad and angry and puts you on a wishing mode. She was a great woman, my grandma. Maybe some other time I can write about my father's mom, my other grandma. She was also a very nice woman. The nice women in my life always seem to die...
Anyway, remembering about this makes me feel better and stronger. I know that I am sick and that I feel pain, but I won't let it get me down. I just want to live longer and at least do something, but I am just so afraid that maybe I'll die before I even get out of this room. I, sometimes, don't even want to go to sleep at night because I feel like if I do, I'll die. I can't help to notice that it sounds somewhat childish, but it's what I feel. I don't like to sleep at night and if I do I feel like a light on my save me...anyway, my cpu is dying as we speak. It's going black on me. I need to post this before it's too late....
I don't want it to be late. I don't want to be late in life. I would like to live it, but I always feel so sickenly blue. It drives me crazy....
vendredi, janvier 30, 2004
Empty
I'd be lying if I didn't admit to myself that I feel empty inside. The worst part is that my life has no meaning ha ha ha. I am at 3:11 a.m on the cpu typing this, which no one gives a care, and I stop to think that years ago I'd be sleeping like a baby in bed. I don't think I even miss those years. I don't think I am capable of even feeling anymore! All that I was before and what I felt has transformed me into this new person of which I am not that proud of.
The news is that this is almost over with and I am still here wasting precious time. God, I hope I make it. I really do hope so.
It just feels as if ...
I am dreaming my life away...all I have to do is dream, dream, dream...
The news is that this is almost over with and I am still here wasting precious time. God, I hope I make it. I really do hope so.
It just feels as if ...
I am dreaming my life away...all I have to do is dream, dream, dream...
jeudi, janvier 29, 2004
I can't read no more! ahhhhhhhh
I think that if I read anymore I might go crazy! ahhhhhh It's just too much to "swallow". I just hope that maybe something will stick to my brain. Ah, let's hope. Yeah, I should find another time to read also. This is not a very appropriate time to be up. Anyway, it doesn't matter. If I am not going to school, I should at least take advantage of this "library" called internet. I'm not even sure if I am spelling words correctly for God's sake!
That phrase right there just reminded me that I didn't read The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger today. See, I am a busy woman (yeah right lol). Well, I also understand that I need to concentrate on what's important, which is Jehovah, my God. Yeah, I was reading about religion and all these issues people have against Jehovah's Witnesses. My goodness, It's outrageous, in my opinion. Also, I am not surprised.
Furthermore, I should discontinue my chat doses. It severely cripples me. Yeah, It's like some people keep on yapping and don't let me read. This has only taught me a lesson, though. Do not go into Houston chat rooms. People, now I understand, are looking forward to meeting. NO, I am not looking for 34 year old weirdo's on the net, much less date them. Goodness!
Now, I believe I have finished complaining (although I do not like to, but do, for reasons unknown to me), I will go to sleep. I'll try to wake up early. This way, I will save myself the "speech" coming from my beloved mother.
That phrase right there just reminded me that I didn't read The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger today. See, I am a busy woman (yeah right lol). Well, I also understand that I need to concentrate on what's important, which is Jehovah, my God. Yeah, I was reading about religion and all these issues people have against Jehovah's Witnesses. My goodness, It's outrageous, in my opinion. Also, I am not surprised.
Furthermore, I should discontinue my chat doses. It severely cripples me. Yeah, It's like some people keep on yapping and don't let me read. This has only taught me a lesson, though. Do not go into Houston chat rooms. People, now I understand, are looking forward to meeting. NO, I am not looking for 34 year old weirdo's on the net, much less date them. Goodness!
Now, I believe I have finished complaining (although I do not like to, but do, for reasons unknown to me), I will go to sleep. I'll try to wake up early. This way, I will save myself the "speech" coming from my beloved mother.
mercredi, janvier 28, 2004
so what's new?
Nothing, I tells ya!
I was thinking that the world is truly coming to an end. Yeah, the more time goes by the more children are being forced into the adult world. I don't really know what is going on or where the source of the problem is. It's not like it really matters, anyway, because no one listens. Fine, than all I have to do is maybe try to fix things, but I don't think I am capable of doing that. Well, crap! I'll just have to live with myself this way hmm...
It bothers me some, but it's not up to me to make decisions for everyone. I wish someone made decisions for me sometimes, but if I stop to think about it...well, I don't like it. I think it reeks lol.
Nothing, I tells ya!
I was thinking that the world is truly coming to an end. Yeah, the more time goes by the more children are being forced into the adult world. I don't really know what is going on or where the source of the problem is. It's not like it really matters, anyway, because no one listens. Fine, than all I have to do is maybe try to fix things, but I don't think I am capable of doing that. Well, crap! I'll just have to live with myself this way hmm...
It bothers me some, but it's not up to me to make decisions for everyone. I wish someone made decisions for me sometimes, but if I stop to think about it...well, I don't like it. I think it reeks lol.
ok, I got so mixed up with this.
Ok so i am doing this right now? because a while back i got into so much mess like you wouldn't believe. man! I keep on making typos everywhere. I feel stupid, frustrated, idiotic, all of the things you can think about. Dude! I wish had been born an intelligent person, but noooo i had to be dumb.
mardi, janvier 27, 2004
hello,
Today is a new day. Yes, I know that now. Maybe I was better off before than today because, at least, back then I was not sick. In any case, I am not going to type anymore. What I was thinking about is no longer there. Besides, talking to a guy while doing this is not helping. Tomorrow will be a better day...tomorrow.
Today is a new day. Yes, I know that now. Maybe I was better off before than today because, at least, back then I was not sick. In any case, I am not going to type anymore. What I was thinking about is no longer there. Besides, talking to a guy while doing this is not helping. Tomorrow will be a better day...tomorrow.
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