Oh my goodness, I am so stupid!
I just moved to Colorado and I am walking down the street and a man offers me a ride or I don't even know what. What did he think I was? A hooker? I thought he was my uncle. The truck looked the same sort of hmm...
I'm looking for a job and I can't find any. Although, I just filled out the applications. I wonder if I'll be as miserable here as I was before. I know I am sad anyway. I don't Know what in the world is going on with my head. I'm never completely happy. I feel like crying lol. I laugh because ever since I can remember I've felt like crying.*sigh*
I miss my family and some computer time, why not. I need to keep looking. I can't quit. I really can't. I came here to succeed that's for sure. I just wish I was more strong and brave like a rock! ^_^ I am so sad...I should find out where the kingdome Hall is at. They will give me moral support. oh, so sad. I might just start crying here at the library, but for the same reason, I am not going to; it's the library for God's sake!
I just wish I had someone to talk to if I did before, now I have no one at all. I don't have that confidence with anyone. man, I am screwed this time and alone this time, more alone than ever...
lundi, juin 14, 2004
mardi, juin 01, 2004
out
My precious God, I am so confused. I need to see the light so bad. I feel so needy. I am lost and everything is foggy. I can't see clearly, but I am out. I am out of here for good. I've lasted too long, taken too much, hurt beyond what I can take.
I stand alone, with no money, with nothing and almost no one. I don't trust anyone. I feel like everyone is going to let me down... everyone everyone!!! it feels like it's all talk all the time. I know that what I have to do is leave my home, my father behind. I hate him so much... I despise him so. I know it's not right. I know, but there is just so many things that I can't forget or forgive. God, when did I ever do anything so bad to lose his respect and his trust. I never had it, that's what it is. I'll always be a bad person to him and I don't even know why.
and today, today I just want to run away. I don't care if I live out in the streets. I don't care if I get killed. I just don't care. I don't know. I always knew I wasn't like the rest, since I was a kid. I knew i was different, very different. Than there is my secret..the secret that kept me in the dark. The one that tortures me until today, the one I will never talk about face to face to anyone, the one i can't even accept, the same one that I'll die feeling guilty about.
but right now, all I know is that I need money, a gynecologist bc i don't know what in the world is going on with my body. It seems to be rotting as well as my mind. Everything keeps getting worse and worse, and I need a place to stay. I wish so much I had someone to tell this to.
see, this is what I mean about people always being talk. There is NO FRIENDS, there is no one you can trust. There is no family you can trust either bc they will too betray you, hurt you the worst. I am starting to believe there is no love either. I started to believe in it, but I think it's not for me. I'll never trust someone's love either. It's all words. Words that the wind takes away into forever and keeps it silent so that I won't hear it, so that I'll keep feeling dejected, outkast. These are the feelings that lead me to think that death is what's best for me.
Oh God, you know how I hate to feel this way. To be wishing to end my life, but I feel so lonely and so betrayed. It all seems real pain to me, not like I am making it up. Most people think that, that I complain too much, that I nag, that I'm hateful, sad all the time. I know these things. I know, I know, why do they have to keep on reminding me? why do they have to torture me? remind me of my faults and make me feel so awful. I hate them I hate them all too. I hate everyone..well, not everyone..i can't hate everyone. the thing is that i love. I hate love. It only hurts me deep in my empty chest. leaves me feeling sophocated and leaves me tasting a bitter flavour in my mouth, tears in my eyes, pain all over every single inch of my body; too exhausted to continue. I love too deeply, that's my problem. I shall be damned.
And so I leave, with one destination in mind, with no put my trust in, no money, no job, no nothing. I sound pathetic, but i might just make myself a better person; stronger with an invincible mind and an untouchable heart.
I stand alone, with no money, with nothing and almost no one. I don't trust anyone. I feel like everyone is going to let me down... everyone everyone!!! it feels like it's all talk all the time. I know that what I have to do is leave my home, my father behind. I hate him so much... I despise him so. I know it's not right. I know, but there is just so many things that I can't forget or forgive. God, when did I ever do anything so bad to lose his respect and his trust. I never had it, that's what it is. I'll always be a bad person to him and I don't even know why.
and today, today I just want to run away. I don't care if I live out in the streets. I don't care if I get killed. I just don't care. I don't know. I always knew I wasn't like the rest, since I was a kid. I knew i was different, very different. Than there is my secret..the secret that kept me in the dark. The one that tortures me until today, the one I will never talk about face to face to anyone, the one i can't even accept, the same one that I'll die feeling guilty about.
but right now, all I know is that I need money, a gynecologist bc i don't know what in the world is going on with my body. It seems to be rotting as well as my mind. Everything keeps getting worse and worse, and I need a place to stay. I wish so much I had someone to tell this to.
see, this is what I mean about people always being talk. There is NO FRIENDS, there is no one you can trust. There is no family you can trust either bc they will too betray you, hurt you the worst. I am starting to believe there is no love either. I started to believe in it, but I think it's not for me. I'll never trust someone's love either. It's all words. Words that the wind takes away into forever and keeps it silent so that I won't hear it, so that I'll keep feeling dejected, outkast. These are the feelings that lead me to think that death is what's best for me.
Oh God, you know how I hate to feel this way. To be wishing to end my life, but I feel so lonely and so betrayed. It all seems real pain to me, not like I am making it up. Most people think that, that I complain too much, that I nag, that I'm hateful, sad all the time. I know these things. I know, I know, why do they have to keep on reminding me? why do they have to torture me? remind me of my faults and make me feel so awful. I hate them I hate them all too. I hate everyone..well, not everyone..i can't hate everyone. the thing is that i love. I hate love. It only hurts me deep in my empty chest. leaves me feeling sophocated and leaves me tasting a bitter flavour in my mouth, tears in my eyes, pain all over every single inch of my body; too exhausted to continue. I love too deeply, that's my problem. I shall be damned.
And so I leave, with one destination in mind, with no put my trust in, no money, no job, no nothing. I sound pathetic, but i might just make myself a better person; stronger with an invincible mind and an untouchable heart.
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