Going Back into my Life

My eye was focused on the Train
Originally uploaded by MarXie.

When I came back to Mexico, after so long, almost five years, I have to say that I did not like it. The country I was born in, I did not like. I was depressed to see the garbage thrown on the streets, the poor conditions of the homes in which my people lived, I was stressed out about the way they drove the narrow streets, I was stressed about losing my life to a bunch of angry, and probably also stressed out Taxi drivers.

I did not like my country. I did not like it. I felt ashamed. I am Mexican. I felt there had to be something wrong with me. I always say in my mind I am Mexican. I am not from the United States, even though I am becoming a US citizen. I feel I don't belong here, in this country, but nor do I belong in Mexico. I have no belonging anywhere.

It was not until I entered the state of Guanajuato, the land in which I grew up in. I recognized it. I saw the green fields in the distance, the smell it had, the rush of moving accross those fields, only I am always sitting on a bus seat.

I am not kidding when I say that I saw my childhood come back into my mind and I got excited. It did me good. I got excited to see that there was a feeling for my country, my origins, that I felt proud of what it looked like, of what it emcompassed. It has memories, that little part of Mexico has MY memories, mine....

Listening maybe hearing...

Listening *Creep-Radiohead*, originally uploaded by Denise Alba.

The whole time I am thinking that I need to do my best, try my best, give my best. But everytime, I feel I am failing. I am not reading it right.

I feel lost sometimes and sometimes I feel like I have it under control. I cannot understand others...their needs.

I do not know if I am seeking my own comfort, what I need, all me. I don't want it to be all about me, no.

I keep saying no, but in my head it doesn't sound that way.

Communication, I find, is tricky. Interpretation, I find, is trouble.

Horrible, horrible, horrible!

Me siento tan estupida hoy, tan abatida, tan muerta...me siento tan mal. Siempre me regresan sentimientos de solitud y me regresan a mi niñez y me siento tan loca, tan fuera de mi misma y a la vez siento como si toda la vida estuviese escapando de mi, de esa niña del pasado, de sus sentimientos. A ella nadie la queria, eso es lo que pienso. Su mama no la queria, su padre ni siquiera estaba, le pasaron otras cosas horribles que la hizieron sentir peor aun sobre si misma, y se siente horrible literalmente.

La niña mas fea, la niña que no sabe que esta haciendo en este mundo, la niña que se siente MISERABLE y se le complica la existencia. Todavia soy esa niña...y cuando pienso en eso, cuando siento ese sentimiento horrible de soledad, como si no tuviera a nadie a mi lado, cuando me siento como que no valgo nada, como que lo mejor para mi seria la muerte, me da mucha tristeza. Trato de pensar claramente, que hay gente que me quiere...pero cuando tengo ese sentimiento de toda la vida todos son mis enemigos, todos me estan usando, todos quieren sacar provecho de mi de alguna manera. Yo no soy nadie, nadie, porque alguien iba a querer estar a mi lado. y me siento tan mal ....me siento con asco solo de pensar en que nadie esta a mi lado que me siento sola...me siento tan mal tan mal....no hay palabra para describirlo es algo que no me daja casi respirar. A nadie le importo, es tan simple.

que horrible que horrible...no se con quien hablar....no se, a nadie le importa, solo a mi. Quiero explotar...me estoy asfixiando.