I stand alone

This is the story of any human being who has at one time found him/her self lost in his/her thoughts...

It is common for a creature with a brain to make use of it. There has even been times when you think that you are already abusing your brain's capacity. I've felt that way many times. In this madness, now I understand, that in this life I stand alone. Also that the more you know someone the more you miss them. For a while, I must admitt, I thought I had someone, but I was soon awakened by my cruel reality. I refuse to be foolish again. I know we all have issues we consume our time with, but I always thought that maybe one day I'd get to share my worries with someone else. Today, though, I dismiss that possibility. Everyone just keeps on leaving. No matter how much I plead for minimum understandment, people just won't take me seriously. As a matter of fact, when I am most serious, they laugh the most. I find that strangely annoying and interesting at the same time. It bothers me slightly, when I am expressing my deepest feelings and all I get is laughter in response.

It's official, the world is infested with phonies. No one will even listen, much less help.

so weird...hmm

En serio que no se que me pasa. Estoy perdiendo la razon. Puedo notarlo. Porfavor alguien que me ayude porque estoy que me repudio a mi misma!!!

I've been having this flashbacks about my ex and all I feel is rage. Is that normal? It's like when I think of him, I wish for all the guys I know to disappear also. I like some of the guys though...>_<

no cabe duda, soy grotesca. No entiendo como ya no estoy en el manicomio, ni tampoco se porque todavia hay gente que se aguanta mis enojos. Aunque creo que ya todo mundo se esta artando de mi, y es que me lo merezco por grocera =(

I'm sad.

How are you supposed to becareful of what you don't know about?

I am lost. Yeah, what else is new? Either I am always confused, lost, sad, or too happy. Screw it! I am nothing but a freezed up wave in this fixed planet. I am not even sure if I just made up a word. Like I said, screw it!

There is nothing more annoying than not knowing what is going on. I swear it drives me nuts. When it comes to people and I don't know what is going on with them, I always think something bad is going to happen. That is, they are getting tired of me >_< I know it. I know it!I just don't want my heart to get hurt anymore. I am scared of that. Isn't anyone else also afraid?

There is just days like this one when it all seems like a dream....so empty

Quiet

There is not much to say lately, other than it's quiet around here. Everything keeps on being motionless and no one is taking steps towards improvement. On the other hand, my father is taking steps back!! Imagine that...anyway, I don't even know who has the reason in this world. I imagine no one does have it.

I didn't do much today. I "roller bladed" some with an 8-9 year old ha ha ha. I almost split my face in two! '_' I had not done it in several years. You have to understand. I would love to go ice skating, but than again, there is so many things i would like to do, but can't. It seems like everything is impossible all the time he he. I know. I am a pessimist. Any one up to the challenge of making me an optimist? '~' (does that look like a face to you?)

Falling

Y me encuentro otra vez en las profundidades de este pozo que se llena de lagrimas, y siento que me ahoga; en el cual e nacido. Siempre e tenido la esperanza de que un dia todo va a ser diferente y que mi vida va a dar un giro inesperado. Claro, da giros y giros pero pareciera que solo para lo peor. Mi mente esta llena de tinieblas,miedos, y telarañas y mi cuerpo sufre dolores de todos tipos. La enfermedad ataca y la tristeza invade. No son combinaciones buenas, pues pueden derrotar a cualquiera que no sea valiente lo suficiente. Es dificil vivir hoy en dia. Hace apenas meses pase por dificultosas situaciones y pense que era lo peor de la vida. Ahora, me siento a reflejar sobre los hechos y miro que lo que vivo hoy en dia es aun mas duro.

Quiero pensar que e crecido mentalmente, que soy valiente, que soy optimista, pero al parecer esas caracteristicas no me caracterizan a mi. Es una pena. Yo ya no estoy segura de como cai y me rompi en mil pedazos ni de como e podido recuperar los pedazos y pegarlos otra vez de nuevo como si fuese un rompecabezas, pero siento que no e puesto las piezas bien y me afecta. Hay tantas heridas que no an sanado bien y muchas que se estan haciendo y otras que estan por hacerse. Yo ya no se si quiero seguir viviendo o no. Ni de seguir remendando mi alma una y otra vez solo para lastimarme mas. Quiero tener nuevamente una Fe fuerte, pero esta vez inquebrantable. Quiero estar sana. Quiero ser util. Son muchas cosas las que quiero y las que no se como conseguir y si lo se no hago, que es lo peor. Estoy tan perdida en mi misma que dudo que alguien mas me pueda encontrar y rescatar.

Tengo amigos, si, pero pareciera que cuando yo necesito de alguien al maximo nadie esta. Cuando necesito hablar con alguien, llorar con alguien, abrazarme de alguien, apollarme en alguien, busco y no encuentro. No se de quien es la culpa, si mia, o de otros. Creo que es mi culpa. Me siento tan desdichada e infeliz que lo mejor seria un adios para siempre. Ya siento que no puedo, que la vida me a dado la espalda o que yo se la di a ella. No importa porque de todos modos me siento igual.

Quizas si yo volviera a nacer....Jehova, mi Dios, que yo volviera a nacer o mejor no naciera...

hmm, no me gustan los quizas porque me deprimen aun mas.

Mejor que fuera una persona a la cual no le importara nada en la vida y alomejor me llevaria la vida con mas calma y sin pensarmela tanto. Eso es lo que me a afectado al parecer. Siempre fui muy madura. Si hubiese tenido otro padre, otra vida, otro yo. Ah, no vale la pena usar los hubieses porque no existen ni tampoco el clamar por ellos va hacer que se hagan realidad. Lo mejor es no pensar mas y dejar que el tiempo tome su curso y se revele ante a mi a su debido tiempo. Es mejor dejar que muera con el paso de los años este cuerpo en el cual resido....morir es no sentir mas, es no existir, es no sufrir.

speechless

I don't have anything to say other than I feel alone. I have this strong need to cry.

I am outraged!

it seems like everytime I come in here is because I have something to complain about. Well, I got news for you. Complaining is all I do!Today was crazy though. Someone said I had lesbian tendencies for God's sake! what kind of people are on line anyway? I am not a lesbian or bi and I am seriously going to forget who I am next time and kick someone's butt.

Furthermore, if there is anything I really do not like in this world is for people to pretend they know me. Do you? I don't think so. If you don't even know my real name than you don't know me. There is a lot of people who don't Buahahahaha...so, SHUT IT!I don't want to hear how much you care about me and how beautiful i am, etc. That gets annoying, especially if it's from freaks.

Anyway, there is people who I love and those people I say I love them. If you haven't heard me say it than guess what? Buahahaha...I'm being mean..some. well, it's good to be honest though. I like to be that way as much as i can. Ok now that I got this off my chest, it's time to go bye bye.

you can complain about me here:

Men, men, men.

This is a very interesting subject. I can't believe that some people think that because I don't have a boyfriend or because I am not interested in finding me one, that I am a lesbian or something. I am not! I don't appreciate being called that, as a matter of fact. Anyway, I don't want a boyfriend for various reasons. One of them being that I am scared of guys ha ha ha especially of older men LOL. I know, I should be O.K., but I am not. I have too much panic in me.

I guess I realized that I am not in high school no more and that if I were to date anyone it would be a lot more serious and all. Crap that scares me half to death! It just makes me sooo nervous. The only thought of being near a guy makes my heart go faster ha ha ha ha what a dork I am. Well, for those of you who enjoy dating older men and just men in particular have fun or something. You crazy people lol.

lonesome

I feel lonely. I tried talking to some people, but I don't think they understand me. No one ever will. People keep telling me that I am young and that I shouldn't have any worries, but that's not true. Age doesn't always matter. Sure, it helps you gain knowledge based on experiences, but it doesn't mean that young people don't know anything. It also doesn't mean that we don't feel pain or that we are not bound to die. All humanity is for God's sake!

Don't feed me that crap no more! Telling me that I am stupid is actually a more intelligent comment instead of "you are young" or "you are a lady though" as if being a girl made life easier. It doesn't. I wish it did, but it doesn't. I just feel so freakin' lonesome... the feeling of melancholy invades my heart and my mind. It's always there now. I don't like to depend on people, but I know I need of someone. I also know that I need a person to come and help me get rid of this feeling. I got no body though and it's probably going to stay like this for a very long time if not forever.

I know you can't handle me...no one can

fears?

I don't understand any of what is happening, to tell you the truth. I've gone wacko and that's all I need to understand. I really have gone wacko this time. Afraid of going to sleep in the dark...yeah tell me about it. It even brings me back memories of back in the day when I was 4 or 5 when I stared out the window in panic until I was so tired of making up stories in my head that i'd fall asleep! Yeah, that's basically what I do now, except now the window I can't see..cuz it's behind me..and it's not like I want to look out of it because i am afraid of what i might see out there..see what i mean!!!! I am paranoid. i swear I am going to end up in a mental institution. It would surprise me if i didn't.

Back then I didn't have the anxiety attacks as bad though and I don't know...I guess I'll never really understand myself or what is freaking wrong with me. If you have any clue please tell me. Also now, I think I am afraid of dying now. I am not sure I even believe that myself, but I think that's why nowadays I can't go to sleep until I can't help myself. This is insanity and beyond, what I am going through.

I just wish I had someone to talk to, but I guess this will have to do for now.

oh, I need a new cpu.

I know I jump from subject to subject, but that's how my mind works. I don't make it do that. It just does it itself and it's probably the explanation of my madness.

Going down the drain...

Dying is part of the cycle of life, I understand that. It's another thing to be going through it though. I also know that since the minute that we are conceived we start to die, but it's another thing to be feeling pain while at it. I have to admit I hate it and I almost hate others for no reason...

there is something I have to remember though, my grandma. Today I am sick. Yeah, big deal. I keep on remembering how brave she was for more than a decade. I mean, I don't think I ever remember her not being sick. Here I am these days, though, complaining about every single pain in my body. I can begin to imagine what it was that my grandma, along with so many other people who are suffering from heavy illnesses.

My grandma, she was diagnosed with breast cancer as time went by. That was not her problem to begin with, though. That was diagnosed WITH TIME. Anyway, I guess what I am trying to get at is that never did I saw that woman complain to others about her pain. I mean, the last time I saw her, I remember clearly, as we were approaching the house. The memory is still very fresh in my mind and so are the times when we said good-bye every time we had to come back to the states. This time, though, I kinda knew it was going to be the last time I said good-bye and there wasn't going to be no coming back. I cleary remember as I entered her room along with my parents and all. As soon as I saw her I knew she was going to die. Do you know what it feels like to look at a person you love and know that he or she is going to die? it's not a very good feeling, I can tell you that. You want to know what was worse? The worst part was that I knew that everyone in that room that night knew that she was going to die, including herself. We all pretended like everything was allright though even though my heart felt like it was sitting on my throat and my tears were about to spurt out. The only reason why I didn't cry was because I knew that as soon as I did she was going to know she was going to die (as if she didn't know already).

I have to admit she had deteriorated immensly. She could barely stay on her feet for long and if she did she shook all the time. Her hair had grown back thouth and I thought it looked pretty. Anyway, I had never seen my grandma cry in my entire life until that one time. I remember she was telling me about how they had removed her breast. She said they hadn't even used anestesia on her. That she yelled and pleaded through out, but it didn't matter to the bastards. Yeah, doctors can be bastards at times and maybe one of the reasons why I wouldn't want to become one. I'm afraid I might turn into one of them. It made me angry, I have to admit. My grandma was not their experiment, but I knew they took her as that. Yeah... that's the first and the last time I saw her cry.

What kills me is that even when I knew she was dying and that I wouldn't see her again, I neither spent ENOUGH time with her nor did I tell her how much I loved her. For some stupid reason, we don't have that in our family. It's like you are always so freakin' uncomfortable letting people know how you feel about them. I mean, romantic relationships is one thing, but family relationships are a whole different deal. You have to tell them that you love them because you can't ever be 100% they know it based on your actions. Although, I do believe that actions count more than words. Well, I guess I didn't want to be around my grandma much because I knew she was going to die. You can't just hang around a person who you know and she knows they are going to die. You feel like you are lying to them or something or if you start crying they might think that you feel sorry for them, but it's not that....not at all. You just want them to be alive and well once again.

That time when we were ready to come back home for school, I said my good-bye. This I don't remember clearly, but I know that my heart was once again stuck in my throat. It sucks when you have your heart there, I have to let you know. It doesn't feel to marvelous. I do remember that as we were driving our way back, I just laid down in the back of the car and quietly cried myself to sleep. That was after I stared back at the town I was abandoning my grandma at. yeah, I felt like I was leaving her all by herself even though my mom had stayed (I know she also knew she wasn't going to be with us for very long, but no one spoke about it). It not like me staying was going to make her healty again and neither was my staring back and crying was going to help her any. I still felt like doing it though and so I did.

Not even a month had gone by when I learned she had died. I was shocked. I don't know why I was feeling that way since I already knew that she was not well. Once again that night I cried myself to sleep. I don't think there has been many times when I have cried as loud and shook as much. I don't like it very much, but it's the only way that I get it all out. Yeah, the truth is that we cry when people die, but I think it's only to make ourselves feel better and maybe because you are so full of regretts all of a sudden. It makes you sad and angry and puts you on a wishing mode. She was a great woman, my grandma. Maybe some other time I can write about my father's mom, my other grandma. She was also a very nice woman. The nice women in my life always seem to die...

Anyway, remembering about this makes me feel better and stronger. I know that I am sick and that I feel pain, but I won't let it get me down. I just want to live longer and at least do something, but I am just so afraid that maybe I'll die before I even get out of this room. I, sometimes, don't even want to go to sleep at night because I feel like if I do, I'll die. I can't help to notice that it sounds somewhat childish, but it's what I feel. I don't like to sleep at night and if I do I feel like a light on my save me...anyway, my cpu is dying as we speak. It's going black on me. I need to post this before it's too late....

I don't want it to be late. I don't want to be late in life. I would like to live it, but I always feel so sickenly blue. It drives me crazy....