COSQUILLEO

Harder, originally uploaded by Agridulce.

Creo que anoche tuve un sueño parecido a esta foto, pero no recuerdo los detalles. No, no estaba desnuda. No, nadie estaba encima de mi...(?) Bueno, no, eso no lo puedo afirmar, pero si se que no estaba desnuda. Yo no me sueño desnuda muy a menudo...EN FIN, no se porque continuo haciendo aclaraciones. Continuando con lo ya antes dicho, no recuerdo muy bien el sueño. Lo que si recuerdo es que me estaban haciendo cosquillas con las pestañas en toda la cara y yo me reia. Estabamos jugando. Este es el sueño mas bonito que he tenido en un buen tiempo. Uno que de hecho disfrute. Ah, de hecho hasta probe unos labios..y es tan extraño porque pude sentirlos, al igual que las pestañas cuando pasaban sobre las mejillas, los ojos, la barbilla...hacian muchas cosquillas =)

Hmm...lo que es soñar

Is this it?

I am really wondering if this is it for life. I hadn't felt this bad in a very long time. It's been like three or four days since I've slept right without waking up a lot more tired than when I went to sleep. I keep dreaming and dreaming...all night long I am in this fast paced world so much stress. I doing a lot of work, movement, so fast paced for me.

I wake up today and think all the things I need to do and I begin by cooking something for myself, but I start to feel alone. I start to feel really alone and there I go again... that feeling. I hate it with all my might. I wonder if all my life I'm going to feel it, if there's a cure for it. I keep thinking it's death. Only when you die are you in peace. I feel out of this world. Nothing matches up to me. I keep crying like a little girl and it doesn't solve anything. My life, I hate my life and myself and I hate how I feel. How much longer? I just want to run away from myself. I want to run very very fast...I want to kill her, just kille her and be someone else or nobody.

I love ...

I love ..., originally uploaded by JadedLadyLove.

I just hope nobody saw me coming from the window on a sunny afternoon while I was feeling sorta happy... Hope nobody saw me with the eyes of morbid thought.

Pleasure in the sun that's all I wanted that one time. I love autumn colors. I even like autumn sun! Dancing in the light, caressing, making me feel bright...

Lost

I look at myself in the mirror and I usually never like what I see. I tell myself how ugly I am, how much weight I could lose...I ask myself "Who are you?" When I started to actually talk to myself in the mirror, I freaked out. I do not know what I am accomplishing by talking to myself and not know the answers, not know who I am, not know where I am at. I begin to think I am going crazy. I try to dismiss the thought as soon as possible, but it doesn't always work. Next thing you know I cannot handle this deep feeling inside my chest that calls, begs me to go out. Yell, scream, cry at the top of my lungs. I can't breath. I can't cry. I go to the mirror again and notice I am crying and ask her why she is crying...can she tell me? I get scared looking at me I want to hurt that reflection in the mirror. I go away from the mirror again because I begin to think that what I could really end up doing, I may regrett.

There has been many nights like this one where I fight myself, fight, fight, fight..I feel just so heavy, so empty, so crazy. I am afraid to go nuts and I usually call a person on the phone. Or I go online and try to talk to somebody, FAST. Everything I have to do fast because I feel like if I wait just another second I may lose it. I feel better when I talk to someone. Usually I don't have to tell them I was afraid to go insane. I just talk to them about them and that keeps my mind off of thinking that I am about to sophocate, to run like hell, yell like it was all a newly discovered experience and do it at the top of my lungs. For a long time I imagined myself up in a mountain yelling...I felt I needed that. I really need to do that.

I am afraid. I am afraid to lose the small number of people I love. I am afraid. They will do it, they will leave me. I am a freak. They don't know how to help me. It discourages me, but I have to understand them. They can't help me all the way... I wish I could undo myself. I don't want to kill myself. I want to undo me. Nobody would ever know there was another maria with a knot in her throat writing on a computer screen, making lots of nutty phonecalls asking for time, for help.