Missing

When you don't feel fine
I don't feel fine

When you feel great
I feel great

When I don't feel fine
You feel great

When I feel great
You're not around

http://theinevitable.blogspot.com/

Perplexed

I have been busy, my friends. I've been reading about disgusting human beings who oppress others. I have gotten sick to my stomach just reading about others committing such atrocities. I had read about WWII and I was amazed by what Hitler did to the Jews, the Gypsies, Jehovah's Witnesses, and just anybody who defied his government, including those of German descent. You'd think he was a psychopath and yeah, maybe he was that, but we never think about other people lowering themselves to the same level such as the early colonist of the United States did.

If you have not read about slavery, if you have not read about the Witch Trials, and if you have not read about the Trail of Tears, than you will not disagree with me. I encourage you to do so because it will open up your eyes to the wicked system we live in. American's for long have been teaching at schools the inhumanity of Hitler and many people all over the world condemned him, but do we ever look at what our own country has done to the poor, the minority, and just the deviant people? No, most people do not know because it's not things that their own country wants to teach them and I hope that they at least feel some shame for what their descendents have done in the past. I hope they do know the meaning of shame itself, for God's sake!

And so I was reading my history book; it dealt with the way the early colonists of America swept with the Cherokee nation (No wonder they even have a song about them!). The Cherokee people were learning "white men" behavior, meaning that they were learning their alphabet, had schools, etc. in order to fit in. Did Andrew Jackson see this? Of course he did, only he still decided he was to move them West. He told them they were being sent to a "country of tall trees, many water courses, rich lands and high grass abounding in games of all kinds," when in reality it was nothing but "barren desert"! They were made to walk barefoot, women had to carry their children, and only the sick were to go in a wagon. Many died, of course. When the Natives did die, the white men would go and rob them. Not content with the fact that they were robbing their land, they also robed from them when they were dead. Isn't that sick behavior? What greed does to you is just remarkably grotesque.

Like it says here on this book written by Private John G. Burnett it was "the most brutal order in the history of American warfare". Having read this, do you have any doubt about the tyrany of the early colonist of the United States? Now all they have left, as if in a mocking way, is the names of the Indian people imprinted in street signs.

I sometimes feel ashamed of being human, for realz. There is no doubt in my mind that we need help from above if we're to survive.

Beyond the Ground again?

it felt as if I was not here today. I don't like it when people point it out though. Can't they see that I struggle with myself? That it doesn't give me any pleasure to feel the way I do and that I do not understand myself sometimes, that I constanly wonder about myself, that I don't even know who I am. They can't understand, no. They'll never feel my confusion.

There is days when I think I know what I want, but I fail at it. I fail at keeping my word of stopping the bad habits. I always seem to return to where I began.

This time, it all started with the dream I had early "today", though. I keep waiting for this guy who doesn't even care about me!! Why can't I get him off my mind and my bloody dreams? Isn't that something... you'd think I'd get a rest when I lay down and wet my pillow with my spit, but no, it's as if I was awake because I become so fricken' emotional in my dreams and I wake up with the feeling. I wonder if I will ever see the guy I dream about and maybe my perception will change...

I want to change my neurological pattern already because it's affecting me severely. I don't want these cells to multiply rottenly. I want them to be sane; at least a little bit, just enough to make people think that I am all there, but I am never all there. My mind always goes into this deep division in which only I am allowed along with my guy and other people I consider worth having there. Why does it all revolve around a guy for girls? I am sick of being a girl for God's sake! If my thoughts can do this to me, I have to figure out a way to do something to them! I am tired of my screwed up thoughts and feelings being in charge!

I want freedom....

day dreaming

Today has been one of those days in which you go from one mood to the other. There is no one out there anymore who can put up with what I say, and so I am glad I can write it here. I always wonder if anyone I know will ever see this site. I hope not because some of the crap I write on here is really personal; people would back stab me with it.

I cannot even remember what I did yesterday, but I do remember getting up this morning at 11:00 a.m. with the news that some of my plans were being canceled. Anyway, that's not what's important because I still went to my meeting and paid attention. I came home and all of a sudden I felt the urge to turn on my computer. I thought someone I've hoped to see for so long would be there; just anybody. As always, the people who I wish to see are never there.... it made me feel so sad. I thought about how sometimes I feel so tired of acting like a dog in the way that I am always just waiting for my master to give me some food, some love. It sounds and feels pretty pathetic.

I don't know why, but it always seems like I am the one who is taking care of the relationships I have with people. I am always the one e-mailing, IMing, calling, writting, trying and trying. It makes me feel so tired! I don't even get why I should be loyal to someone or love someone when I know very well that they don't love me nor are they going to be loyal to me. It's just a fact. I know it. So, it seems as a waste of time, as if I was holding my life, my heart for someone who doesn't even think about me once in one whole day. I know it, I just know it; that's the way it is with me. No one truly cares about me; like in the way a man cares for a woman, not that I am a woman, but you get the point. I am a girl, a stupid one in the heart.
Anyway, so after going shopping, I am back home and I am still day dreaming about a guy lol. I mean, can you believe it? I know he doesn't care, I know he doesn't think about me or feels the same as I do, YET I SPEND my time day dreaming about him....and than it's like my body changed. AHHH! I have to keep control over myself and my mind! I don't need to be thinking about the things I do. Yeah, I need to concentrate on myself, my spirituality, my career, and over all, my life. No guys! Sometimes I just wish for a hug though...not wet kisses, not sexual pleasure...just the kind of hug you need when you're feeling down or it's just that you really need to feel another human being on you. I have those urges. I have them a lot and it was not like that before...I don't know what happened. How has it come to be that now I feel I need someone that I need to get close to physically. I don't know. How is it that it pains me that I don't have anyone to be that close to? I don't know. All I know is that all of that I have to give up because I am not the kind of girl who gets married.

I am not the kind of girl who could make anyone happy... I am the kind of girl who will never know what it feels like to be with a real man, but who would like to succeed in life in other professional ways, if you'd like to call it that. I just hope I don't regrett my decision...I am just afraid to get married and find out that I cannot be with that man, that I don't love him, or even more scary, that he won't love me for long!!! Ah, it's almost making me break into tears. I just can't be with anybody, yet I long for somebody; it's so strange and hard to control.

Mudanzas; this is what I need!

Hoy voy a cambiar Revisar bien mis maletas Y sacar mis sentimientos Y resentimientos todos Hacer limpieza al armario Borrar rencores de antaño Y angustias que hubo en mi mente Para no sufrir por cosas tan pequeñitas Dejar de ser niña... Para ser mujer.

Hoy voy a cambiar Sacar a luz mi coraje Entregarme a lo que creo Y ser siempre yo sin miedo Bailar y cantar por habito Y ver claro en vez de oscuro Desarraigar mis secretos Dejar de vivir, si no es por vivir la vida Que grita dentro de mi... Mi libertad

Hoy voy a cambiar Salir dentro de mi no ser solo corazon Dejar y parar fracasos Soltar los brazos y libertad que oprime mi razon Volar libre con todos mis defectos, Para poder rescatar mis derechos Y no cobrarle a la vida caminos y decisiones Hoy quiero y debo cambiar Dividirle al tiempo y sumarle al viento Todas las cosa que un dia soñe conquistar

Porque soy mujer como cualquiera Con dudas y soluciones, Con defectos y virtudes Con amor y desamor Suave como gaviota Pero felina como una leona Tranquila y pacificadora Pero al mismo tiempo irreverente y revolucionaria Feliz e infeliz Realista y soñadora Sumisa por condicion independiente por opinion Porque soy mujer, Con todas las incoherencias que nacen en mi Fuerte, sexo debil

Hoy voy a cambiar Revisar bien mis maletas Y sacar mis sentimientos Y resentimientos todos Hacer limpieza al armario Borrar rencores de antaño Y angustias que hubo en mi mente Para no sufrir por cosas tan pequeñitas Dejar de ser niña... Para ser mujer.

Payaso vanidosOoo

Ese hombre que tu ves ahi
Que parece tan galante
Tan atento y arogante
Lo conozco como a mi

Ese hombre que tu ves ahi
que aparente ser divino
tan amable y efusivo
solo sabe hacer sufir

Es un gran necio
Un estupido engreido
Egoista y caprichoso
Un payaso vanidoso
Inconciente y presumido
Falso enano rencoroso
Que no tiene corazon

Lleno de celos sin razones ni motivos
Como el viento impetuoso
Pocas veces cariñoso
Inseguro de si mismo
Insoportable como amigo
Insufrible como amor

Ese hombre que tu ves alli
Que parece tan amable
Navigoso y agradable
Lo conozco como a mi


Solo sabe hacer sufrir
Tu no tienes corazon
Me engañaste con traicion
tu no tienes corazon
Ese hombre que tu ves ahi
Parece tan amable
Pero no es agradable
Me engañaste con traicion tu no tienes corazon

Songs with Women POW3R!!!

QUE GANAS DE NO VERTE MAS
OhQue Ganas de no verte nunca mas
Aunque me muera
Hacerme de corage y escapar
Por esa puerta
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Y ser valiente
Decirte que con el estoy mejor
Que me comprende

Ha el le sobra el tiempo como a mi
Ha el le arde la sangre como a mi
Con el me encuentro nueva
Tan dispuesta tan entera
De mujer de carne y hueso para amar

Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de cerra este capitulo en mi vida
Donde fuiste una mentira y nada mas

Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Haberme dado cuenta que contigo estoy decierta
Que no tengo mas paciencia que inventar
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Te lo confieso

No pidas que me vuelva equivocar
No pidas esoQue ganas de no verte nunca mas
Y ser valienteDecirte que con el estoy mejor
Que me comprendeHa el le sobra el tiempo como a mi
Ha el le arde la sangre como a mi
Con el me encuentro nueva
Tan dispuesta tan entera
De mujer de carne y hueso para amar

Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de cerra este capitulo en mi vida
Donde fuiste una mentira y nada mas

Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Haberme dado cuenta que contigo estoy decierta
Que no tengo mas paciencia que inventar

Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Ganas de no verte aunque me muera
Sin ti me siento nueva y tan entera

Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de no verte nunca mas
Que ganas de cerra este capitulo en mi vida
Donde fuiste una mentira y nada mas

The Inevitable.: 09/15/2002 - 09/21/2002

This is a great site if you want to read poetic stuff that makes sense to the soul hmm....for those of us who cannot express ourselves and when we read what she/he has written we feel like someone understands our feelings....

Nice, very nice...totally inevitable to feel the way we do sometimes The Inevitable.: 09/15/2002 - 09/21/2002

Junky

Junkie
Robi Dräco Rosa
lady love, are you sad today,
come and sway with me over here
sorry sunlight jaded forever,
I don’t like it cold in the summer

no need for the wasteland of the pain anymore
my hands, embrace the air, every time I look at you
one last chance and we can burn the morrow,
one last chance before tomorrow

I don’t care where we go
I don’t care what we do
doesn’t matter who we are
cause all we have is the broken calm of the sea

it’s time to let things go
it’s time to just be free
junkie, come on now junkie
id like to find a way to kill the pain for you
junkie, you are the cry of pain
I know that someday love and death will make you new

lady love, arose horizon, while we’ve been gone
she holds my hand
I just want to mourn this forever,
wanna sleep in love where ever

no need for the wasteland of the wounded sea
one last chance and we will burn the sorrow
one last chance before tomorrow

junkie, come on now junkie
id like to find a way to kill the pain for you
junkie, you are the cry of pain
I know that someday love and death will make you new

junkie, come on now junkie
id like to find a way to kill the pain for you
junkie, you are the cry of pain
I know that someday love and death will make you new

(some song that was dedicated to me. Who knows if he remembers....I like it. I wish someone would kill the pain for me. He's no junkie, He's a man, an intelligent one hmm).

La niña esta triste. ¿Que puedo yo hacer para que sonria?

No se que es lo que me pasa pero no puedo dejar de pensar en ti
Cada cancion que escucho me recuerda a ti
me siento como esclava de tu ser
Sin ti algo me falta, no soy caval.

Lucho contra este sentimiento y te quiero decir adios pero no me atrevo
Te quiero de verdad, pero tu a mi?
No quiero decir que vivo por ti, pero tampoco se vivir sin ti

Ya no me importa que tan cursi llegue a ser
Todo lo que quisiera es perderme en el cariño que me pudieras ofrecer
Mis sentimientos me traicionan, que puedo hacer?

Por favor llega pronto y enseñame a odiarte o a amarte

parece que cada vez te alejas mas y mas, pero en mi mente mas cercas estas
Me he cambiado nombre, intentado ser la ideal
pero parece que de eso tu jamas sabras.
no me atrevo a gritar tu nombre
decirte que te quiero
que te extraño

Vivire para siempre con este secreto....
con los recuerdos, mis deseos de lo que no puede ser
Mi cuerpo exclama tu nombre
pero se detiene al saber que no te conoce y eso no me da placer
mis labios desean tocar los tuyos
mis manos añoran sentir tu piel
Toda yo he llegado a ser un caos completo!

Me desmorono por ti, me hago trizas sin ti
Traes la sensacion de hormigueo en mi
lloro si siento que no te interesas en mi
y es que me has envolvido en una telaraña de la que no logro salir

>_<

How long has it been?

I think it has been a while; there has even been some changes around here. I told myself I needed to stop coming for support here; my crutch. Recently, I have noticed many father/daughter relationships and they puzzle me. I wonder about my own relationship with my father, which is worse than the worst.

I don't usually see people who love their fathers and now that I see it, well, it throws me off. It's something foreign to me. Than, I notice I need of love. I am not sure from who, but I need it. My body cries for it. I'm hungry for a hug, a kiss, but mostly a hug. I wish someone would hold me like they were to never let go.... squeez me.

There's some pix of my goofy self http://flickr.com/photos/upload/?saved=1