day dreaming

Today has been one of those days in which you go from one mood to the other. There is no one out there anymore who can put up with what I say, and so I am glad I can write it here. I always wonder if anyone I know will ever see this site. I hope not because some of the crap I write on here is really personal; people would back stab me with it.

I cannot even remember what I did yesterday, but I do remember getting up this morning at 11:00 a.m. with the news that some of my plans were being canceled. Anyway, that's not what's important because I still went to my meeting and paid attention. I came home and all of a sudden I felt the urge to turn on my computer. I thought someone I've hoped to see for so long would be there; just anybody. As always, the people who I wish to see are never there.... it made me feel so sad. I thought about how sometimes I feel so tired of acting like a dog in the way that I am always just waiting for my master to give me some food, some love. It sounds and feels pretty pathetic.

I don't know why, but it always seems like I am the one who is taking care of the relationships I have with people. I am always the one e-mailing, IMing, calling, writting, trying and trying. It makes me feel so tired! I don't even get why I should be loyal to someone or love someone when I know very well that they don't love me nor are they going to be loyal to me. It's just a fact. I know it. So, it seems as a waste of time, as if I was holding my life, my heart for someone who doesn't even think about me once in one whole day. I know it, I just know it; that's the way it is with me. No one truly cares about me; like in the way a man cares for a woman, not that I am a woman, but you get the point. I am a girl, a stupid one in the heart.
Anyway, so after going shopping, I am back home and I am still day dreaming about a guy lol. I mean, can you believe it? I know he doesn't care, I know he doesn't think about me or feels the same as I do, YET I SPEND my time day dreaming about him....and than it's like my body changed. AHHH! I have to keep control over myself and my mind! I don't need to be thinking about the things I do. Yeah, I need to concentrate on myself, my spirituality, my career, and over all, my life. No guys! Sometimes I just wish for a hug though...not wet kisses, not sexual pleasure...just the kind of hug you need when you're feeling down or it's just that you really need to feel another human being on you. I have those urges. I have them a lot and it was not like that before...I don't know what happened. How has it come to be that now I feel I need someone that I need to get close to physically. I don't know. How is it that it pains me that I don't have anyone to be that close to? I don't know. All I know is that all of that I have to give up because I am not the kind of girl who gets married.

I am not the kind of girl who could make anyone happy... I am the kind of girl who will never know what it feels like to be with a real man, but who would like to succeed in life in other professional ways, if you'd like to call it that. I just hope I don't regrett my decision...I am just afraid to get married and find out that I cannot be with that man, that I don't love him, or even more scary, that he won't love me for long!!! Ah, it's almost making me break into tears. I just can't be with anybody, yet I long for somebody; it's so strange and hard to control.