Lost

I look at myself in the mirror and I usually never like what I see. I tell myself how ugly I am, how much weight I could lose...I ask myself "Who are you?" When I started to actually talk to myself in the mirror, I freaked out. I do not know what I am accomplishing by talking to myself and not know the answers, not know who I am, not know where I am at. I begin to think I am going crazy. I try to dismiss the thought as soon as possible, but it doesn't always work. Next thing you know I cannot handle this deep feeling inside my chest that calls, begs me to go out. Yell, scream, cry at the top of my lungs. I can't breath. I can't cry. I go to the mirror again and notice I am crying and ask her why she is crying...can she tell me? I get scared looking at me I want to hurt that reflection in the mirror. I go away from the mirror again because I begin to think that what I could really end up doing, I may regrett.

There has been many nights like this one where I fight myself, fight, fight, fight..I feel just so heavy, so empty, so crazy. I am afraid to go nuts and I usually call a person on the phone. Or I go online and try to talk to somebody, FAST. Everything I have to do fast because I feel like if I wait just another second I may lose it. I feel better when I talk to someone. Usually I don't have to tell them I was afraid to go insane. I just talk to them about them and that keeps my mind off of thinking that I am about to sophocate, to run like hell, yell like it was all a newly discovered experience and do it at the top of my lungs. For a long time I imagined myself up in a mountain yelling...I felt I needed that. I really need to do that.

I am afraid. I am afraid to lose the small number of people I love. I am afraid. They will do it, they will leave me. I am a freak. They don't know how to help me. It discourages me, but I have to understand them. They can't help me all the way... I wish I could undo myself. I don't want to kill myself. I want to undo me. Nobody would ever know there was another maria with a knot in her throat writing on a computer screen, making lots of nutty phonecalls asking for time, for help.